Groanin' Jock

Season 2011/2012: Match 14: Montrose 4 Stranraer 0 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

2012-01-14T20:38:00.003Z

Last week, Montrose played well against one of the division's better sides and came away with nothing.

Today they again had a fantastic match against lowly Clyde and recorded another impressive win over the Cumbernauld side.

Garry Wood has returned to Links Park after time away at Ross County and even in the Premier League with Caley Thistle. He was included on the bench today, Ray Farningham sticking with the team that did well the previous week.

The first half was a scrappy affair, Montrose playing well generally until the final third, where Clyde were defending in numbers. There was little of note to comment on, aside from Sandy Wood tearing Sean Crighton a new one for conceding a corner when it would have been as easy to pass the ball back to his goalkeeper.

But the second half was entirely different, Montrose racking up two goals in the opening nine minutes.

Both were created by Martin Boyle, the young striker in rampant form after the break. His raw pace left his marker for dead in the 52nd minute, and allowed him to keep the ball in and send a square ball across the box. David McGowan's shot took a deflection on its way past the goalkeeper.

Clyde were rattled, and Montrose took advantage with a near carbon copy of their opener just two minutes later. Boyle again burst down the right, and this time it was Scott Johnston who was on hand to send a low shot into the net.

Boyle himself had the ball in the net shortly after the hour mark, but his goal was disallowed for offside when he headed home at the back post from Dougie Cameron's cross.

Jamie Winter had gradually been finding his range as the match wore on, sending several long-range shots wide of goal. He had a 30-yard free kick tipped onto the post and out for a corner, but finally got the goal his performance merited with a sublime drive 15 minutes from time.

Stephen McNally completed the destruction a minute into stoppage time, his shot from the edge of the box deflected into the net.

Montrose were magnificent in the second half, controlling the tempo and severely restricting Clyde's opportunities.

The players seem comfortable with each other, and there seems to be an awareness of who is capable of what, who should be where and who should be doing what at all times.

I just wish we could play Clyde every week - they seem to have a torrid time every time they come to Links Park, not least last season's 8-1 destruction.

But whoever Montrose are playing now, they have the quality to cause them problems. If they can maintain their concentration and composure at all times, they deserve to be higher up the table.

Man of the Match: Another solid team performance in which no-one failed to perform. Terry Masson and Jamie Winter again dominated in midfield, and David McGowan and Scott Johnston provided much needed support to Martin Boyle. But it was Boyle who was the key man today, creating Montrose's quick-fire opening double and deserving of a goal himself that sadly never came. I fear his time at Montrose may not last much longer...

Season 2011/2012: Match 13: Montrose 1 Stranraer 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

2012-01-07T21:34:00.003Z

Today I suffered from what I believe today's youth refer to as an "epic fail", arriving at Links Park eight minutes after kick-off, therefore missing Montrose's second-minute goal.

That did mean that I saw all three Stranraer strikes, an abject refereeing performance from Barry Cook and Montrose squander a host of chances.

I also burst the zip on my jacket beyond repair and almost dissolved my tongue with a cup of the heated industrial lubricant marketed in Scotland under the brand name Bovril.

And weirdly, this wasn't the worst day I've ever had at the football. Montrose played well, and but for the afore-mentioned poor finishing and third world refereeing, they could have won by a comfortable margin.

There were no complaints with the Stranraer goals, aside from lax defending for the first. Two of them went in courtesy of deflections, but Sandy Wood otherwise had a good game in goal.

It's not often we say this, but Martin Boyle was the main culprit in Montrose's failure to win, missing three gilt-edged chances. The young striker deserves praise for being in goalscoring positions in the first place, but when faced with open goals on two occasions, he hit the post with one effort and slammed the ball into the side netting with the second. He also had a half volley brilliantly saved by Ryan Marshall and slammed a volley wide of the post near the end of the match.

Referee C(r)ook must be from Ayrshire, as every decision went in favour of the visitors. A Scott Johnston goal was disallowed for an imaginary foul in the build-up, he ignored Stranraer's constant fouling and failed to send Grant Gallagher off for a brutal elbow-led assault on Terry Masson's face.

So I now haven't seen a Montrose win since October 22. And yet I still feel more positive about the way things are going than I did a year ago. The team generally look more comfortable on the park than in recent seasons, and but for a bit of bad luck would have won today.

Man of the Match: Martin Boyle was a constant threat to the Stranraer defence today, but passed up far too many chances. Scott Johnston didn't get enough time on the ball to make a difference, and the defence was a bit too haphazard to be considered as potential men of the match (and Dougie Cameron appeared to be sporting stubble that suggested "homeless man living under a bridge" more than "Bruce Willis at his Die Hard peak"). For me, the key performer was Terry Masson, solid and reliable in midfield, snapping into challenges, pushing for goals and ripping Jonathan "Beckenbauer" Smart a new one for dicking about at the back instead of doing what he's paid to and getting rid of the ball.

New Additions

2011-12-04T20:56:00.005Z

Mrs Wife bought me an aquarium for Christmas:

And it now has its first four inhabitants:

Names still to be decided but suggestions include:

Quinzel, Bane, Nigma and Cobblepot

Laudrup, Gascoigne, McCoist and Hateley

Boyle, McNally, Hegarty and Tosh

Sausage, Egg, Beans and Chips

Brian, Gary, Dave and Nigel

Batman, Superman, Spider-Man and Wolverine

All other suggestions welcome...

FAO Ken Fit Like

2011-12-04T11:02:00.004Z

FAO Ken Fit Like - I've circled myself in yellow!

Season 2011/2012: Match 12: Montrose 1 Alloa Athletic 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

2011-12-03T22:53:00.004Z

I'm back in the Arctic tundra known locally as Angus, and so I found myself back in the familiar surroundings of Links Park rather than The Emirates or White Hart Lane this afternoon.

It was absolutely freezing even before kick-off today - I'm sure I saw a polar bear queuing to get in the concessionary turnstile at 2.30pm, then think better of it and head home. The pitch was already in shadow by kick-off, and both of Montrose's strikers were wearing gloves - although Scott Johnston was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, which seems to have defeated the purpose of donning handwear somewhat.

Alloa are a good side by Division Three standards, and are rightly considered amongst the favourites for promotion. Paul Hartley (a more dapperly-dressed manager than we're used to in Division Three) (and one with a few more Scotland caps than Ray Farningham) has the side playing well, with a core of good ball playing midfielders (and Darren Young) allied with the experience of Robbie "All this was fields when I were a lad" Winters and the emmm "imposing physical presence" of Armand One (that's Oh-Nay, not Wun).

Montrose made a few changes to the team from recent matches, Saaaaaaandy Wood making his first competitive start of the season in the sticks, behind centre backs Paul "Lurch" Lunan and Jonathan "Baggio Beckenbauer" Smart and full backs Sean "But I'm a centre back" Crighton and Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron.

Stephen "Macca Macca Reyna" McNally was moved to central midfield alongside Terry "The Destroyer" Masson and Jamie "Of course I can shoot, it's only 75 yards" Winter. Montrose's attacking options were Martin "Have Barcelona called yet?" Boyle, Scott "If Martin's going so am I" Johnston and Lloyd "Who?" Young.

(I spent the first 10 minutes thinking Lloyd Young fronted The Commotions. But that was Lloyd Cole. Lloyd Young doesn't even front Montrose).

Montrose took the game to their high-flying opponents, and deservedly took the lead after 11 minutes when Boyle missed Masson's corner at the front post, only for the ball to fall in front of Johnston, who knocked the ball across the line with a diving header.

It was an end-to-end encounter, and both sides could have had a few goals throughout the course of the match. McNally, Boyle and Johnston were the main threats for Montrose, while Winters and Kevin Cawley created most of Alloa's chances.

Montrose were looking good for a surprise win until 10 minutes from time, Ben Gordon nodding home from a McCord corner. But Montrose could still have won it, Boyle using his pace to stretch the visiting defence a few times as the match came to a close. There was even a late penalty shout, one of Alloa's defenders appearing to handle a Cameron corner at the back post.

All in all, a draw was a fair result. Montrose can take credit from a strong showing against one of the division's better sides, while Alloa can take credit for continuing to push for an equaliser until late in the day.

Congratulations also to the Montrose groundstaff for managing to get the knackered floodlights working again at half time - abandoning the match when winning 1-0 against Alloa would have been unthinkable.

Man of the Match: Another good team performance in which no-one was disgraced. The midfield was solid and generally passed the ball well, and was perhaps more disciplined than in recent matches. That was out of necessity, as pouring forwards en mass would have been suicidal against the slick Alloa passing. Masson and Winter in particular looked reliable in the middle.

Defensively Montrose were strong, with no major errors to report. Up front, Boyle was his usual tireless self, and on another day might have had a hat-trick. But my man of the match was Scott Johnston, tricky on the ball, creative in attack, diligent in tracking back and in the right place at the right time to score Montrose's goal.

Season 2011/2012: Match 11: Tottenham Hotspur 1 PAOK Salonika 2 (Europa League Group A)

2011-12-01T00:23:00.005Z

So from The Emirates on Tuesday night to White Hart Lane on Wednesday.

I thought that the Spurs match might be a sell-out, given that it was a European clash between two teams both in with a shout of winning their group, but there were a significant number of empty seats.

Most of the noise was coming from the sizeable away support, who didn't let up from the time I entered the ground almost an hour before kick-off until long after I left.

The ground itself seemed remarkably tight, probably because I'd been to The Emirates the night before. Even sitting in the top deck, it felt like I was right on top of the pitch, making it feel like a bigger version of Tynecastle.

Like Hearts' ground, White Hart Lane has seen better days, but what it lacks in the sparkling newness and glamour of its North London rivals' ground, it makes up in feeling like a traditional football ground, one where history has been made and the stands have stories to tell.

I've always had a soft spot for Spurs, ever since I was a boy and the teams of Gazza, Gary Lineker, Jurgen Klinsmann and Ilie Dumitrescu. Even today, I like more of their players than is the case with most of the English clubs - Bale, Modric, Defoe, van der Vaart and even Aaron Lennon all try to play attractive football. All of that group besides van der Vaart played today, with Bale introduced as a second half sub.

By that time, the match had unravelled for both teams, albeit to different degrees. Spurs were a mess at the back (more of that later) and PAOK (which I only discovered today is pronounced "Powk" and not "Pee Eh Oh Kay") raced into a two-goal lead inside 12 minutes thanks to a Salpingidis header and a back post slide from Athanasiadis.

Spurs found a way back into the match when Stafylidis was sent off for handling the ball on the goal line, Modric stepping up to stroke the resulting penalty into the net.

But that was it for Spurs. They had the ball in the net twice again, but both times the goal was ruled out, once for offside and once because Contreras was lying on the goalline injured as Defoe netted.

The match descended into a series of petty squabbles and niggly fouls, and Spurs couldn't find the goal they needed, with Bale, Defoe and Lennon all going close.

For me, the biggest villain on the night was William Gallas. Supposedly Spurs' most experienced and mature defender, he spent the majority of the match wandering around in what appeared to be a disinterested huff, making little effort to actually defend (he was at fault for PAOK's first goal) and found frequently out of position. When he did finally show an interest, it was when he moved himself up front to act as an auxiliary striker for the last five minutes. A petutlant, spoilt bastard of a player, who should do everyone a favour and retire gracelessly.

Gallas' poor showing masked Steven Pienaar's, but only slightly. Pienaar is useless. Absolutely useless. He did nothing good tonight, misplacing passes, getting caught in possession, losing the ball and wasting chances. A truly horrendous display.

All in all, another good night out, spoiled by the result (I was rooting for the Spurs).

Man of the match: Salpingidis gave the Spurs defence a tough time and took his goal well, before getting into a barney with Kyle Walker before and after the final whistle. Aaron Lennon was pacy but couldn't do anything with the ball in the final third. Pulling the strings today was Luka Modric, the hub of everything good Spurs did against a team of 10 men intent on sitting behind the ball and frustrating the home side.

Season 2011/2012: Match 10: Arsenal 0 Manchester City 1 (Carling Cup Quarter Final))

2011-11-30T23:33:00.004Z

I'm back in London with work this week, and this trip has luckily coincided with a busy week in the English football calendar.

The last time I was down, I took in West Ham vs Ipswich, but this time around I'm at top flight grounds, although not for Premier League matches.

First up on Tuesday night was Arsenal against Man City in the Carling Cup.

When I booked the ticket, I did so expecting to see Arsenal U19s vs Man City reserves. It wasn't quite as bad as that, although there was no Van Persie, no Kompany, no Arteta, no Szczesny, no Hart, no suspended Balotelli, no Tevez (too busy arguing with his own reflection in an Argentine mansion).

But included in the line-ups were Benayoun, Chamakh, Djourou, Squillaci, Park, Zabaleta, Dzeko, Toure, Johnson, Nasri, Hargreaves and De Jong (brilliantly described as "The World's Most Expensive Nigel" by The Guardian not long after he signed for City).

Nasri had a tough evening, booed by almost the whole stadium every time he went near the ball, retribution for deserting the club late this summer.

And what a stadium it is. I'd been before for a conference held in one of The Emirates' sumptuous function suites, but the atmosphere outside the ground for Tuesday's match was electric. I did a full lap, reading about the true legends of Arsenal who grace the stadium's outside walls.

Where Hampden, also a huge purpose-built football arena, feels like a soulless bowl, the Emirates crackles from the minute you step out of Arsenal tube station. The view from my seat in the gods was perfect. I genuinely couldn't fault the place. The only stadium I've liked watching a game at more is Ibrox.

It's just a pity that Arsenal weren't firing on all cylinders. They actually contained City very well - Laurent Koscielny in particular was composed at the back, marshalling Dzeko with confidence.

But Arsenal's front two of Park and Chamakh were a long way off the pace. Park in particular was a huge disappointment, and made no impact whatsoever.

Arsenal's brightest attacking player throughout was teenager Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who gave the city defence a torrid time from the right wing. If his final ball had been a bit more dangerous, or his strikers more alert, Arsenal might have taken something from the match.

In the end though, it was City who moved into the semi-final. Sergio Aguero, introduced in the first half as a substitute (a £38m substitute!! Is that a record?) was played in by Adam Johnson and dispatched a low finish past Lukasz Fabianski.

Arsenal can feel aggrieved, but it was their own poor finishing that cost them. A decent enough match, and certainly a bit different to the Montrose v Ayr United match I was at a week earlier. (A cup tie that ended in a single-goal win for the visiting side....)

Man of the Match: Most of City's players looked comfortable. Aguero clearly put the shits up the Arsenal players, as they looked panic-stricken for about five minutes after he came on. Toure organised the City defence well. Oxlade-Chamberlain's performance against illustrious opponents belied his tender years. But for me Koscielny was the stand-out perfomer, giving an assured performance at the back in the face of attacking talent most defenders would baulk at.

Season 2011/2012: Match 9: Montrose 3 Berwick Rangers 5 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

2011-11-26T21:06:00.003Z

Hurricane Mo is currently howling her way through Angus' answer to Rio de Janeiro, and high winds almost threatened to derail today's clash of tit(an)s at Links Park.

Referee Kevin Clancy was seen in conversation with both managers just five minutes before kick-off, debating whether the match could go ahead. Needless to say, it did, and the two sides served up an eight-goal thriller.

The match could have gone either way, and the wind did play a part in the proceedings. Montrose were playing against it in the first half, and keeper Michael Andrews never seemed to grasp the idea that long kicks up the park were out of the question.

It was the home side that took the lead today, Martin "Star of The Sun" Boyle flicking the ball over goalkeeper Jamie Barclay from a Scott Johnston lob into the box. The ball looked to be dropping wide of the post, but Boyle nipped around the keeper and stooped to nod the ball into the net.

The lead lasted 11 minutes, Berwick finding an eqauliser out of nowhere, Darren Gribben thumping a low shot into the bottom corner from the edge of the box.

Gribben was a constant ~~pain in the ass~~ threat, and put the visitors ahead five minutes later, flicking a header into the bottom corner from Kevin McDonald's cross.

Both sides had chances throughout the first half, Montrose looking especially dangerous from set pieces. But it took them until six minutes after the break to find an equaliser, Paul Lunan sending a sublime shot high into the net from the edge of the box.

That goal should have spurred Montrose on to win the match, but Berwick took only nine minutes to restore their advantage, Jonathan Crawford caught in possession from a short McNally pass, Stuart Noble taking advantage to beat Andrews with a low shot.

It was Andrews himself who was at fault for Berwick's fourth, spilling a catch that allowed Noble to thump home from six yards out. This isn't the first time Andrews has been culpable this season, and there have to be questions over his bottle, as although he makes a lot of good saves, he also makes a lot of bad mistakes.

Montrose were given a brief boost three minutes from time, Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron scoring directly from a wind-assisted corner, Barclay unable to scoop the ball to safety before it had crossed the line.

But that brief boost came to an end three minutes into added time, Ross Gray turning on the edge of the box and dinking a shot over Andrews and into the net.

Barclay had to be alert direct from the following kick off, Jamie Winter thumping a shot from just inside his own half that would have dropped into the net had the keeper not been watching closely.

All in all, a disappointing but not disheartening day for Montrose. They created plenty of chances, their top goalscorer found the net again, their second goal was a peach and their third was a feat seen all too rarely.

They sometime lacked defensive composure, but that is nothing new. Jonathan Smart was out of the team today, the Alan Campbell and Sean Crighton partnership restored at centre back. Winter, Masson and Lunan look to be forming a solid unit in the middle of the park, and Cameron and McNally appear to be thriving as fullbacks/auxiliary wingers.

Andrews in goal is an enigma - a great shot stopper who has saved Montrose a number of times in recent matches, but who is prone to disheartening errors all too frequently. Sandy Wood can still feel aggrieved at having been dropped after his strong pre-season form, but at least we've left the days of experimental mime artist Ramiro Gonzalez's Crab Football Extravaganza behind.

Conceding five goals at home is unacceptable, as is scoring three at home and still losing. But again (and I feel like I say this after every Montrose match) there were a lot of positives from today's performance.

Montrose: The team that aspires to mediocrity.

Man of the Match: Today was more of a team showing, with no one player standing head and shoulders above his colleagues. Terry Masson continues to look like a creative and defensive force in the middle, while Jamie Winter - who I regard as a luxury player - is nevertheless beginning to look like he should be the first name on the team sheet every week. Dougie Cameron has also improved considerably over the past couple of months, putting some of his more disastrous errors behind him and looking like a genuine leader on the park. In fact, of the the three candidates I've just named, I'm shocking myself by selecting him as my man of the match - for the second time in three matches. I think I need medical help.

Season 2011/2012: Match 8: Montrose 1 Ayr United 2 (William Hill Scottish Cup Third Round Replay)

2011-11-23T13:44:00.002Z

Holidays and other real life stuff meant that it was a month since I'd last seen Montrose when I donned the warm jacket and Thinsulate bunnet for last night's Scottish Cup replay.

By all accounts the Gable Endies had given a spirited performance against Ayr in the original tie, and had been well worth their draw.

There was a good turnout last night, the crowd just a smidgin under 600 for a Tuesday night cup match a month shy of Christmas.

Montrose started the better side, and had several chances to take an early lead, Terry Masson coming close on a couple of occasions with twisting runs and powerful shots that were saved or deflected wide.

But despite having the best of the first half, Montrose were a goal down at the break, Michael McGowan playing Alan Trouten into the box, the winger rounding Michael Andrews and shooting into the net.

The same player doubled Ayr’s advantage in the 73rd minute, latching onto a short passback and flicking the ball over the home goalkeeper.

Montrose never do things the easy way, and Jamie Winter's 81st minute goal suggested that they were going to claw their way back into the match in the dying minutes. A short free kick from Stephen McNally was touched to Winter, who hammered a Groanin' Jockesque shot from 20-odd yards that flew into the bottom corner.

The home side threw caution to the wind from that point, pouring everyone up front. If Jonathan Smart was half the striker he thinks he is, he'd have equalised in the dying seconds, but instead he shanked his volley out for a goal kick.

Martin Boyle had put the ball in the net even before Winter's goal, but it was chalked off for offside in questionable circumstances. The striker was definitely onside when the ball was played, and succeeded in rounding Kevin Cuthbert before rolling the ball into the net. Some amongst the press corps suggested he may have handled the ball in the build-up - I guess we'll never know.

All in all, Montrose can be proud of their performance. Over 180 minutes, they refused to lie down to a team that, on paper, should be far superior. With more luck they could have won last night to set up a ~~money-spinning~~ ~~lucrative~~ ~~desirable~~ clash with Livingston in the fourth round.

But there were enough positives last night to suggest that progress is continuing.

Man of the match: None of the players could be ashamed of their performances last night. All of them worked hard, tracked back, covered their men and passed quickly along the ground. Michael Andrews made a number of crucial saves to keep the home side's hopes alive. For me, the key performer was Terry Masson, just edging out Sean Pierce. Pierce was creative throughout, and his crosses were begging to be tucked home. But Masson was a figure of authority in midfield, crisp in his passing where Winter was occasionally wasteful, a danger going forward and a leader from deep.

Season 2011/2012: Match 7: Montrose 2 Clyde 1 (William Hill Scottish Cup Second Round)

2011-10-22T20:36:00.002+01:00

Before today, I'd seen Montrose play Clyde twice since the almost-weegie club were relegated at the end of the 2009/2010 season.

Montrose had scored 11 and conceded two goals in those two matches, so they definitely had the upperhand going into today's match.

The home side was missing Stephen McNally through suspension today, and Jamie "Fat Steven Gerrard" Winter was relegated to the bench.

Clyde looked much improved from last season, and they deservedly took the lead in the 18th minute, John Neil nipping between two dozing Montrose defenders to nod the ball into the net from Liam Cusack's cross.

But their advantage lasted only five minutes, visiting goalkeeper John Charles Hutchison palming Scott Johnston's shot into the path of Paul Lunan. The midfielder took a touch before curling a sublime 22-yard shot over the goalkeeper and into the net.

What proved to be the winning goal came in the 50th minute, Montrose hitting Clyde on the counter attack. A long ball from the back was controlled by Dougie Cameron, the left back/midfielder/captain/consumer of pastry products sending a perfectly-weighted through ball to Sean Pierce. The youngster carried the ball into the box before sending a perfect shot with the outside of his boot off the inside of the post.

Clyde weren't dead and buried though, and had plenty of chances to equalise and win the match. Cusack even managed to scoop a shot over the bar from four yards out, which is an achievement of sorts.

The match ended in controversy, with Clyde claiming that Jonathan Smart had handled the ball when clearing a corner. The referee awarded a corner, but the reactions of the Clyde players certainly suggested they were adamant it was a foul. At the final whistle, Smart was confronted by several of the visiting players, and his reaction seemed to suggest that he knew he'd got away with it.

Tough tits if you're a Clyde player or fan basically.

So Montrose march into the third round. And hopefully onto a fourth round clash with Rangers....

Man of the Match: I've been his biggest critic; he genuinely has been shit for most of his time in a Montrose shirt; he's a master of rubbish throw-ins; he likes the odd lasagne or four; he has a head like a knee. But today Dougie Cameron was reliable in defence, passed assertively, encouraged his team-mates and set up the winning goal (then celebrated like he'd scored it). It was cold at the football today. I think hell may be freezing over.

What The World Is Waiting For

2011-10-21T16:09:00.003+01:00

...This IS the one we're waiting for.

Although I've been saying for 15-odd years that I never want The Stone Roses to reform (and posted about it here almost five years ago), I now have tickets to see them in Manchester next June. I haven't stopped shaking with excitement since 9.35am.

Please. Pleeeeeaaaaaaaase - let it be good.

Season 2011/2012: Match 6: Montrose 2 Peterhead 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

2011-10-01T21:08:00.003+01:00

Before I start this report, I should remind both of my readers that I am legally obliged under Article 7, Clause 2 of the SFL Reporting Act (August 2011) to refer to Peterhead as "Big-spending Peterhead" at least once in my article.

However, plans to add an additional sub-clause to the effect that I must also refer to them as "the high-flying Balmoor side" were shelved roughly two games into the season.

Because you can't always buy success in football. Especially if your idea of success is paying Rory McAllister £600 a week to play against the assorted brickies, plumbers and astronauts who populate Irn-Bru Division Three.

Montrose's random assortment of part-timers gave one of their best team performances of the season today, working hard for each other, tracking back diligently, pushing forward en mass and generally getting stuck in all over the pitch.

Today wasn't a performance marked by extraordinary individual turns - this was a collective effort, and a collective "fuck you" to those who had them written off before the season, and this match, kicked off.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeterheeeeeeeeeeeid actually took the lead in this match, and it was McAllister's close control and neat finish that put them ahead after 12 minutes.

Both sides had chances during the remainder of the first half, and if Peterhead had scored it would have been a long way back for Montrose.

But the home side didn't stumble and didn't panic. They just kept on playing, although there were too many instances of them resorting to route one football, which demonstrably doesn't suit their attackers.

The equaliser, when it came, was as a result of a strong run from Sean Pierce, a constant threat to the Peterhead backline. His square ball outfoxed all of the visiting defenders, but was perfectly weighted for Terry Masson to slam the ball home.

After the break, both sides sought a winner, but the match began to tilt in Montrose's favour. The winner, when it came, was again the result of Pierce's persistance, the youngster chasing down visiting goalkeeper Paul Jarvie. The keeper panicked, failed to bring the ball under control, and Pierce dinked the ball into Martin Boyle's path, leaving him to poke into the empty net.

Too often we've seen Montrose collapse after taking the lead, in fact it happened in their most recent home match against Annan. But today they stuck it out, kept the ball and kept Peterhead at bay.

A great result for Montrose, and one that could be a kickstart to their season. They're now on nine points, six off the play-offs, while Peterhead are only one ahead of East Stirlingshire at the foot of the table.

I don't care too much for money, 'cos money can't buy me love....

Man of the Match: This was a collective performance, and everyone played their part. Particularly good were Terry Masson, who gave a commanding performance in the middle of the park; Stephen McNally, playing wide right and a constant driving force; Jonathan Smart, managing not to get sent off and leading the back line in the way we've heard he is capable for the first time; and Martin Boyle, whose pace again could have been his opponents' undoing, but who should have had a hat-trick today. Even Kneeheid Cameron was a force for good today, proving particularly dangerous from set pieces. But overall, the most important player was Sean Pierce, creating both goals and generally giving a tireless performance that bamboozled Peterhead's defence.

Season 2011/2012: Match 5: West Ham United 0 Ipswich 1 (nPower Championship)

2011-09-27T23:32:00.005+01:00

I'm in London for work this week, and with an evening or two to kill, I ended up spending tonight at the Boleyn Ground, also known as Upton Park, for West Ham vs Ipswich.

Both sides have aspirations of achieving promotion to the Premier League this season, so I was anticipating an exciting clash.

I've never been to Upton Park before - this was only my fourth match south of the border, my previous visits having taken me to Goodison Park, Carrow Road and The City Ground.

First impressions of the stadium were impressive - this is a ground that manages to blend all the hallmarks of a traditional stadium - steep stands tight against the pitch - with the expectations of a modern ground.

But of course the Boleyn Ground won't be housing the Hammers for much longer, the club having agreed to move to the new Olympic Stadium after the games in 2o12.

It seems a shame to leave behind all the history at the old ground. I'm always in favour of clubs staying in their traditional homes, particularly if those stadia are designed for football rather than athletics.

Upton Park certainly bears comparison with the top Scottish grounds. Only Ibrox and Parkhead are better, and I'd rate West Ham's ground over Hampden for actually watching the match - those of you who've read my nonsense before will be well aware of my thoughts on our national stadium.

Anyway, the match boasted no fewer than five England internationals between the two teams.

1) Robert Green - derided throughout by the Ipswich fans with chants of "USA, USA", a tribute to his spectacular performance at last year's World Cup. The West Ham fans responded with "England's No. 1" - which if kind-hearted, is factually inaccurate given that Joe Hart is the nation's first choice keeper.

2) David Bentley - the enigma continues. A fine footballer on his day, Bentley doesn't have those days very often any more. He's on loan from Spurs, and did nothing tonight to demonstrate that he's even Championship class any more, let alone likely to be challenging Aaron Lennon for a place in the Tottenham or England teams.

3) Carlton Cole - big battering ram of a striker. What he lacks in sublime skill he makes up in....emmmm......well, he's big....Cole had a forgettable evening, substituted just after the hour mark, having contributed little to West Ham's play.

4) Lee Bowyer - Coming home for the evening, the boyhood West Ham fan was his typical nippy self in the middle of the park, snapping into challenges and just generally making a nuisance of himself. He also scored the only goal of the match in the 88th minute, slamming home the rebound after Keith Andrews' header came back off the post. He started to celebrate, then remembered where he was and checked himself. Anyway, the corner that Ipswich scored from was taken by...

...5) Jimmy Bullard. I've never understood the fascination with Bullard. From the evidence I've seen on TV, he's another player who is all style and no substance. But that did him a disservice tonight, as he was a constant creative force for Ipswich, pushing them forward throughout the match. A credible contender for man of the match. Even if he does have hair like a fairytale princess.

Kevin Nolan, West Ham's new captain, also started. He likes to think that he's been unfairly kept out of the England squad by inferior players, which is a load of bollocks. He's the rich man's Scott Brown - engaging in petty squabbles, involving himself where there's no need and generally charging around like a horny rhino seeking a mate. Nothing he did tonight marked him out as special, but Allardyce seems to like him.

The match was also unique in that it had not one but two players who weren't good enough for the SPL. Daryl Murphy, on loan at Ipswich from the Mhanky Mhob, made it to the Ipswich bench but no further, while Jason Scotland, formerly of Dundee United and St Johnstone, started up front. Scotland's greatest contribution to the match was hammering a shot from the edge of the box that went out for a throw-in.

It was a decent match in that both sides tried to attack, although West Ham created far too few chances for a side hoping to achieve automatic promotion. Their best passing was in their own half, and they struggled when they pushed further forwards. I thought Henri Lansbury, on loan from Arsenal, was the stand-out player for the home side, but Sam Allardyce disagreed, substituting the midfielder midway through the second half.

I've never liked Allardyce or his teams. This was the man who signed African footballers on the cheap, then whined like a scolded dog when they were called up for the African Cup of Nations. A man whose definition of successful football was lumping the ball long to Kevin Davies and hoping for the ball to somehow find its way into the opposition net. A man with an extreme dose of misguided self belief.

West Ham have a reputation (that may or may not be deserved) for playing attractive passing football. There was little of that on show tonight, and they looked more like an Allardyce team than a Barcelona in waiting.

Ipswich had the lion's share of the chances, as well as playing the better football. Robert Green was the official man of the match, which should tell you something about how often he was called into action.

All in all, it was a decent night's entertainment, another ground chalked off to experience, and definitely one I'd be happy to return to. There's a great atmosphere, with the West Ham fans in fine voice, and hopefully that isn't lost when they move home in a few years' time.

I'd like to hope I'll be back, and hopefully I'll see a Hammers win next time. I'd also like to hope that I'm not paying £32 towards Fat Sam's wages by then as well....

Man of the Match: West Ham's defence looked tidy, and their back four could all reasonably be in with a shout. I thought Lansbury was the most dangerous player in claret and blue until Allardyce bizarrely decided to take him off. And Green was kept busier than he would have liked. But the man of the match has to come from the visiting side, and though it pains me to say it, it has to be Jimmy Bullard. I feel dirty now.

The Eighteenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

2011-09-22T08:47:00.002+01:00

A while back, I resurrected the game no-one seems interested in playing, The Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge.

Jack Deighton was the winner on that occasion, correctly identifying Money by Pink Floyd. Answers to all of those questions are now in the comments on that post.

Here are the latest songs for you to identify. Place your answers in the comments. No Googling.

1. When I hear that big black whistle they blow, I feel inside it's time for me to be going.

2. When I fully grow I'll outsize you, but I won't let you fall in love.

3. Gonna manage my time just like Johann Cruyff.

4. For what it's worth it was worth all the while.

5. And when she lets me slip away, she turns me on, all my violence is gone.

Season 2011/2012: Match 4: Montrose 2 Annan Athletic 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

2011-09-17T21:13:00.003+01:00

Those of you who regularly venture down this dead-end road at the far-flung rear-end of the worldwide interweb will be aware that on the past two occasions that I have seen Montrose "play" "football", they have conceded 12 goals (that's 12 goals total. Not 12 goals in each match. They're not that terrible. Yet.).

In each of those matches, they've had a right royal hiding. But today's defeat (for it was a defeat, if the scoreline in the title of this post didn't give it away) was a different affair.

Montrose were great in the first half. Slick passing ON THE ACTUAL GROUND AND EVERYTHING and fast running from Martin Boyle saw them take the lead in the 14th minute.

OK, OK, they were pegged back almost immediately when they left a great lumbering centreback completely unmarked at the back post.

But they didn't panic, didn't resort to the casual brutality and long balls that have become their trademark - they just kept on passing the ball.

This seemed like a brave new world, one that had come about as a result of water on their collective brains due to the Angus monsoon season starting roughly 20 minutes before kick-off.

In fact, Montrose were so good in the first half that they actually went in for their shared half time orange (one segment each, Dougie Cameron gets the biggest bit) in front, wee Martin Boyle's whippetesque pace carrying him into the box to poke home a second just a minute before the whistle.

All good so far....

....then came the second half. Annan had decided that enough was enough, and spent the majority of the second period squeezing Montrose back into the their own half. But Montrose sat it out well. The slick passing may have been cast aside, but they coped well with constant pressure, and Annan didn't create much in the way of chances.

Until six minutes before time, when they lumped the ball into the box for the same centreback, again left unmarked, to slam a shot into the net.

Still, a draw is a draw, a point is a point, and when you play for Montrose a home draw is like winning the lottery.

Except Montrose went into panic mode, and Annan added a winner barely seconds short of the full time whistle.

Some attempts have been made to blame the referee for the defeat, and while he was guilty of a few odd decisions, none of them cost Montrose the match. They did that themselves through poor concentration.

There were a lot of positives today. Martin Boyle had the best game I've seen him play, the team playing to his strengths and capitalising on his pace. He also seems to be making progress towards adding a killer instinct to his game, which was previously marked by a lot of pace but an occasional lack of composure. Two goals today tell their own story.

Jamie Winter was a creative hub for Montrose. He may have picked up the nickname Sixpence for his tendency to seek the Hollywood pass everytime, but his passing ability is miles ahead of that of his team mates. He's also built like a rhino, and it's good to see a bit of muscle/gristle/flab/big bones in the middle of the park for a change.

Speaking of muscle/gristle/flab/big bones, Dougie Cameron appeared to be captaining the side today despite Stephen MaccaMaccaReyna McNally playing at right back. I'm not sure why, but then I'm one of Kneeheid Cameron's biggest critics. He actually had a decent afternoon today, with some thunderous tackling and a few decent passes. It also helped that he was out of harm's way far out on the left wing, somewhere where he can do less damage to the home side than usual.

Steven Masterton, formerly of Clyde, played as a trialist in central midfield, and he looked like a worthwhile capture if he's available permanently, working well alongside Winter and combing well with Jonathan Crawford and Boyle.

Most of the team would get pass marks based on today's performance. I can't think of any major disasters, although the defence should have been marking better at set pieces, as it was poor awareness at dead balls that cost us all three goals and all three points today.

Still, onwards and upwards....well, downwards if we keep getting no points, but you know what I mean.

Man of the match: A good all-round team performance, with a few stand-out performers, but it could only be Martin Boyle for an eye-catching display up front. If he continues to develop at the rate he has over the past year, he may not be a Montrose player for long.

Season 2011/2012: Match 3: Montrose 0 Stranraer 6 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

2011-08-27T17:40:00.003+01:00

I'd missed Montrose's last couple of matches for varying reasons, but was looking forward to getting back to the Montrose Maracana for today's clash with a beatable Stranraer side.

Montrose started the match in good form, and in truth dominated the first half. They should have gone ahead from the penalty spot early on after visiting goalkeeper David Mitchell tripped Martin Boyle in the box.

But Jonathan Crawford (a player I've never been overly impressed by) sent his spot kick two yards wide of the post. Failing to test the goalkeeper from the spot is a cardinal sin, and one I'll be loath to forgive.

Sure enough, Montrose were made to regret it, Stranraer taking the lead in the 37th minute when Alan Campbell hesitated and Stuart McColm capitalised.

The same player added a second three minutes later, robbing Jonathan Smart and slotting low into the net.

Smart was billed as Montrose's big summer signing, and a number of the Gable Endies faithful have been singing his praises. But I've yet to see him have a good game. Today, having proven himself a liability in conceding possession in the run-up to the second goal, he added insult to injury when he picked up his third red card of the season (IN AUGUST!!!!) for halfing a Stranraer player. If I were in charge of Montrose, he'd already be on his way out of the club, for poor discipline and lack of ability.

By the time he was red carded, Montrose were three down, Chris Aitken having added a goal just after the break.

Three more followed in the second half as Montrose collapsed in horrible fashion. Having started so strongly, they were incredibly poor as the match wore on, resorting to long balls and struggling to string passes together. Sean Crighton is Montrose's best centre back but was played out of position on the right. Martin Boyle was given little to work with, and needs a target man to feed off if Montrose are going to insist on playing long balls.

My ambivalent attitude towards Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron is long-documented, and I fail to see why he's so well regarded. He seems to be extremely limited in his abilities, resorting time and again to hopeful crosses into the box for strikers with barely enough beef on them to remain upright in a strong breeze.

One highlight from Doooooogie today was an overhead kick clearance, although I suspect that he was falling over and was simply lucky to make contact as he fell backwards.

I've seen two Montrose competitive matches this season and seen them concede 12 goals. This is supposed to be Ray Farningham's brave new world.....

Man of the Match: Few contenders from a shameful performance. Steven McMcMcMcMcPhee wins my award for looking lively when few of his colleagues were up to the task.

Season 2011/2012: Match 2: Montrose 1 East Fife 6 (Ramsdens Cup North East Section Round One)

2011-07-24T19:26:00.003+01:00

Back in May, in the last football match I attended of the 2010/2011 season, I saw Montrose beaten 5-1 at Hampden by Queen's Park.

Yesterday, I saw Montrose beaten 6-1 by East Fife at the North Sea Nou Camp (or Links Park as it is better known) in their first competitive match of the 2011/2012 season.

Apparently, Montrose have progressed under Ray Farningham....

East Fife are a team from a higher division. It showed yesterday, as they came out flying. The scoreline didn't flatter them at all, and Montrose chances were few and far between.

Michael Andrews made his debut in goal, and some early saves indicated that he might be a worthwhile addition to the side.

But then he collapsed in spectacular fashion. East Fife's second goal came when he dropped the ball at his feet with a view to kicking it up the park, believing that he was alone in his box. But he wasn't, and East Fife striker Robert Ogelby appeared from behind the goalkeeper, stole the ball and ran it into the empty net.

The Fifers' fifth came as a result of the keeper tripping Craig Johnstone in the box to concede a penalty and allowing Ogelby to complete his hat-trick.

There were very few high points for Montrose yesterday. Steven McPhee's goal was one of them, the youngster picking the ball up on the edge of the box and slamming a shot into the top corner.

Further observations:

1) If East Fife had brought no fans, there would barely have been anyone in the ground. A poor show for the first match of the season.

2) Montrose need to keep the ball on the ground, as sending it long to our hobbit-like strikers doesn't work.

3) David Dimilta could be a decent player when he grows up. Someone needs to get him a boy's kit from the club shop.

4) Dougie Cameron has a head that looks like a knee.

Man of the Match: Not many contenders from the Montrose ranks. Steven McPhee gets the nod for his superb goal.

Glasgow Pub Admittance Policy

2011-07-21T07:00:00.000+01:00

It's A Crime

2011-07-20T19:22:00.002+01:00

The Nuremberg trials convicted some of the most evil people in history just 13 months after the end of World War II.

But Metropolitan Police reckons that it might struggle to complete its phone hacking INQUIRIES before the next general election in four years' time.

Modern efficiency is wonderful.

I'm A Stain

2011-07-18T19:23:00.001+01:00

I picked up a pair of jeans yesterday morning that I had worn the day before.

I intended to wear them that day.

It wasn't until I was buttoning them up that I found the crotch displaying both tomato sauce and poop.

Tomato sauce mine. Poop not mine.

The joys of fatherhood.

The Seventeenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

2011-07-14T09:29:00.002+01:00

My blogging has been very erratic over the past couple of years, for a multitude of reasons.

So erratic in fact that the last time we had a Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge was back in September 2009.

Way back then, Cedric M. Kippers (now no longer wandering the blogosphere) identified three of the five tracks and Kenfitlike spotted one.

The answers are now in the comments on that post.

So without any further ado, here is the Seventeenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge. Simply name the artist and track, post your answers in the comments, no Googling.

1. I don't know if I'm up or down, Whether black is white or blue is brown.

2. Take off your disguise, I know that underneath it's me.

3. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.

4. I can see that light surrounds me, I want you to show me round.

5. Such a melting pot, on the corner selling rock, preachers pray to God.

Season 2011/2012: Match 1: Montrose 1 Raith Rovers 0 (Friendly)

2011-07-13T09:24:00.005+01:00

The title of this post is slightly misleading.

Although I'm counting this as the first match I've been to this season, I actually saw the first 20 minutes of Montrose's encounter with Stenhousemuir a week earlier, before husband and father duties called me away.

In the 20 minutes I saw of that match, Montrose looked lively, and Martin Boyle scored a well-taken goal. They ended up winning that match 2-0, and by all accounts played well

So it was with optimism that I took my seat in the Links Park press gallery (the seats at the back of the stand) for their encounter with Division One side Raith Rovers. Raith finished 10 points behind champions Dunfermline last season, so should really be significantly better than Montrose, who at their worst are one of the least capable sides in Scottish football.

But Montrose have a new steel about them under Ray Farningham. A few of last season's old guard have moved on, and there are some new faces looking to carry Montrose to new heights.

Former Arbroath winger David DiMilta was named in the starting line-up. He's a nippy wee bugger, but he runs in a very comical fashion that brings to mind a football sprite from a late 1980s ZX Spectrum game.

Jamie Winters played in central midfield as a trialist. All I can remember of his performance is that he looks like a fat Steven Gerrard. This is not intended as a compliment.

Several Montrose fans have been raving about the performances of new signing Jonathan Smart. I thought he had a disastrous first half against Raith, allowing their strikers in too often, leaving Sandy Wood unprotected. The keeper, thankfully restored to the starting line-up now that Argentine mime artist Ramiro "The Incredible Flying Gonzo" Gonzalez has left, had a great game, pulling off a series of flying saves to deny Raith the goal their build-up play deserved.

Montrose grew into the match as it wore on, and they took a well-deserved lead through Martin Boyle, the youngster knocking home a rebound after Jonathan Crawford's shot had been saved. It seems obvious even at this early stage that the key to any Montrose success this season will be utilising Boyle's pace. If he can add an extra degree of composure to his game, then perhaps we can dare to dream....

Man of the Match: It's between Sandy Wood for his first half saves and Martin Boyle for his livewire performance up front. Sandy gets the nod this week though, as without him Montrose would have been skelped.

Funny Because It's True

2011-05-17T09:37:00.003+01:00

From today's Daily Mash

Philip to say 'Mick' no more than eight times

PRINCE Philip will be allowed into Ireland today on condition he calls them all 'Micks' no more than eight times during the four day visit.

'Gosh, you're all surprisingly tall'

The historic trip was only agreed after intense negotiations between London and Dublin, with the Foreign Office stressing that he was going to say it and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

Prince Philip will say 'Mick' for the first time when he meets President Mary Macalese at her official residence in Phoenix Park. He is expected to say that he 'did not know Mick houses had roofs'.

He will then use an average of two Micks a day culminating with a visit to the Tyndall Institute in Cork on Friday when he will say 'Christ almighty, not more fucking Micks'.

It will be the first time Prince Philip has met an Irish person since 1984 when he told Eurovision song contest winner, Dana: "You're not so bad. The worst is the half-Irish, half-Chinese. I met one once. He was called Declan Wu and he stole my horse."

The visit is the first by a British sovereign in a century and the Queen is understood to be very excited about meeting hundreds of people who, according the British Constitution, are not good enough to be married to her.

The Royal Household has acknowledged the sensitivity of the visit and made key changes to protocol, including replacing the Queen's Official Royal Question of 'What do you do?' with 'Are you going to kill me?'.

During the trip the the Queen will view the Book of Kells and say it is 'very nice' as well as visiting the Irish National Stud in Kildare where she will attempt to drug key rivals in advance of next month's Epsom Derby. And sources say the Queen is also keen to try out her Irish accent and has been rehearsing phrases including 'a very top of the good morning to you' and 'one is being sure, one is being sure'.

Meanwhile, in addition to his eight Micks, Prince Philip has also been given an allowance of three 'bogtrotters', two 'fenians' and a completely unacceptable joke about Bobby Sands.

Between The Sheets...

2011-05-16T15:50:00.002+01:00

...or what I've been reading recently.

Mother Tongue - Bill Bryson
Entertaining look at the English language, how it was formed and how it compares with other languages. A tad drier than Bryson's other work, including the superior Made In America that looked at the history of American English, and not even in the same league as his travel writing, but well worth a read for those interested in how the world's dominant tongue rose to its current position.

The Girl Who Played With Fire - Stieg Larsson
The second instalment of Larsson's wildly popular Millennium trilogy. I didn't find it quite as absorbing as its prequel, but the continuing saga of Lisbeth Salander and Mikael Blomqvist is certainly more entertaining and pacy than almost every other work of modern fiction I've read recently.

Mort - Terry Pratchett
My fourth venture into the Discworld, and the quality continues to be evident. A well-crafted story that, like all of the Discworld novels I've read so far starts very strongly, loses its way for a short while in the middle before resolving itself in comedic style.

Rangers Cult Heroes - Paul Smith
This was my Secret Santa gift at the work Xmas party last year. It was good to read the stories of some bona fide Rangers legends, including several from the nine-in-a-row years that I watched as a boy. But there were two faults: firstly, the choice of players covered. To describe John Greig, Ally McCoist, Jim Baxter or Brian Laudrup as cult heroes seems to me to disregard the notion of what makes a cult hero. I've already picked my alternative 10. Secondly, the book seems to have been rushed out in the latter half of 2010, and could have done with a more thorough sub-editing to remove typos and factual errors. Nonetheless an enjoyable read for those of a blue persuasion.

The Business - Iain Banks
Picked up for 20p in an Aberdeen second-hand bookshop when I ran out of things to read on the train, this was a most unexpectedly good book I'd read in a while. A tale of a Scottish girl made good in a shadowy multinational corporation, the humour and fast-paced plot were a delight.

Kingdom of Fear - Hunter S Thompson
Dispatches from Thompson's meandering mind in his twilight years, Kingdom of Fear lacked the punch of his earlier works, but was nonetheless a rollicking ride from one of literature's great heroes of the 20th century.

As In Eden - RM Lamming
I'm a strange hypocrite in that I don't believe any of the stories in the Bible, don't believe in any religions, but I find fiction based on those stories being true to be fascinating. I suppose it stems from a childhood love of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. But I digress. As In Eden retold a number of the Bible's more famous tales from the viewpoint of women mentioned, occasionally only in passing, in the original tales. Interesting, but still not enough to make me a believer....

Foul! The Secret World of FIFA: Bribes, Vote Rigging and Ticket Scandals - Andrew Jennings
Exposing the sordid world of life inside football's governing body, this book is enough to provoke rage in anyone who first became enchanted by football as a sport, not as a jolly and a means of stuffing pockets with wads of cash.

The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown
Entirely predictable fare from Brown, who must write his books to a generic template. Fast-paced and entertaining enough, but for those of us who have read the rest of his books, the conspiracy theories are starting to wear a little thin.

Fatherhood: The Truth - Marcus Berkmann
A birthday present from Mrs Wife, this is a hilarious guide to the first few years after the birth of the first baby. Actually had me laughing out loud on the train. While simultaneously giving me a little bit of dread at how unprepared I am for the biggest life-changing event of all.

Neuromancer - William Gibson
Supposedly a cyberpunk classic, Gibson's most famous work left me a bit cold, with a plot that was overly complicated and characters that inspired little in the way of feeling. Not recommended.

The Bloke's Guide To Babies - Jon Smith
A second baby "how to" book, along a similar vein to the Berkmann book, if written from a younger man's point of view. Inspiring of further laughs and further dread.

The Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year Award

2011-05-09T08:16:00.002+01:00

As Montrose have now finished their season, it's time for the award no-one's waiting for, The Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year Award.

In the supporters' club official awards, I voted for Stephen McNally, the club captain having looked a figure of calm in a team occasionally capable of some pretty football but more often capable of spectacular mediocrity.

But the Groanin' Jock award is based on the number of times the players have been awarded my man of the match award.

So we're talking about the best players from 20 competitive Montrose matches this season (actually, it's only 18 because I forgot to pick a MotM from two matches....)

The results are:

Martin Boyle: 3
Ross McCord: 3
Chris Hegarty: 2 (one of those was for getting sent off against Arbroath in the New Year shellacking)
Terry Masson: 2
Daryl Nicol: 2
Paul Tosh: 2
Sean Crighton: 1
Hugh Davidson: 1
Stephen McNally: 1
Fraser Milligan: 1

Which means that for the 2010/2011 season, Martin Boyle and Ross McCord officially share the inaugural Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year award.

If I was forced to pick between them, I'd go for Boyle.

"Tosher and Boyler, Tosher and Boyler...."

Season 2010/2011: Match 21: Queen's Park v Montrose

2011-05-07T21:40:00.004+01:00

It may be over.

Barring an unforeseen (and unforeseeable) venture to a match over the next couple of weeks, today was probably the last match I'll attend this season.

It may even be the last Montrose away match I'll attend for a long while, given that my first-born - Laudrup McCoist Hateley Durrant Gascoigne Rae - is mere weeks from arrival and is likely to monopolise my free time for a long, long time.

(That name is only a working title - I may still go with Hegarty McNally Gonzalez Crighton McCord Tosh Boyle Rae. Or Lennon if it's a boy [after John, not Neil or Danny].)

Anyway, today was my first time on a Montrose supporters' bus, my first time in the Queen's Park social club and my first time at Hampden when the stadium hasn't been in use for a cup semi-final, cup final, Scotland match or concert.

It's a strange experience being in a sub-1000 crowd in a stadium designed to hold 52,000 (a text from Montrose's own Argentine-obsessed roving reporter asking me to "save her a seat" raised a smile).

Montrose had nothing to play for today, having already secured(?) eighth place in Division Three. But Queen's Park (we're amateurs, honest - we don't pay our players, just give them £100 expenses a week) were looking to guarantee a promotion play-off place.

Some of Montrose's early movement looked vaguely decent, but once Queen's took the lead in the 27th minute, there was never going to be any doubt of the result.

Jamie Longforth ultimately scored a hat-trick and Ian Watt also got on the scoresheet as Queen's put four past The Incredible Flying Gonzo, playing what was probably his last game for Montrose. His larger-than-life personality will be missed around the club, but his abilities as a goalkeeper have been called into question too often since he arrived earlier this year.

Today marked the end of the Montrose careers of a few of the players, most notably Hugh Davidson, who skippered the team for the last time before retiring. His final match ended in near-heartbreaking fashion, limping off after just 20 minutes.

He was replaced by Chris Hegarty, another player likely to be on the way out of Links Park. Along with Gonzalez, Hegs had the good grace to come across to the noisy travelling support at the end of the match and give away his shirt. Gonzo went one better, also handing across his shorts (after ensuring that the roving reporter had received the goalkeeper's jersey and a kiss).

Montrose's only real high point came with Terry Masson's goal, the midfielder picking the ball up far from goal, striding in towards goal and lashing an unstoppable shot into the net.

Aside from that, my personal highlight was hearing a small girl shout, out of nowhere: "Heggy's gonnae get you" - a chant that sounds infinitely more chilling when uttered by an innocent child than by a bunch of blokes old enough to know better.

And so it ends here. Next year's team will look vastly different to this year's incarnation, and will hopefully carry some of the better recent form into the new campaign. From tenth to eighth this season - hopefully from eighth to sixth next year....

Man of the Match: No outstanding candidates - it can't be any of the back five in a match when we conceded four. Masson's superb strike and general work rate make him my final man of the match of the season.

Sex Education

2011-04-27T09:52:00.001+01:00

This is the funniest thing I've read in ages.

Season 2010/2011: Match 20: Arbroath v Montrose

2011-04-23T18:10:00.003+01:00

Despite my protests, despite my ongoing recovery from a cold, despite the weather and despite what was obviously going to be a defeat, I was at Gayfield today to watch Arbroath win the title against Montrose.

There was a noisy travelling support that was given a token corner of the ground, while Abroath completely failed to fill the remainder, despite pre-match boasts that thay'd bring a bumper crowd.

No complaints over the scoreline today, the better team won. Montrose were too often second the ball, were guilty far too frequently of giving the ball away and too often tried to score from ridiculous long-range shots.

It was obvious from the point that Arbroath were given an early penalty that the referee was a sub-human wazzock, and every decision went against the visitors. The penalty was retaken due to a one-man pitch invasion, and the second attempt only went in after trickling along the goalline after coming off of Gonzo's right-hand post.

But the home side scored four on the day, and the flying Argentine was at fault too often, wandering into strange positions miles off his goalline.

Often I think it looks as though Gonzo is watching a different game from everyone else, as he seems to spend a lot of the match barking orders to invisible players just in front of him and flapping at balls that aren't there.

Either that or he has a drink problem, and what we're actually witnessing is a weekly episode of "Ramiro Battles The Pink Elephants". It's easy to imagine, when he's leaping around his box muttering to himself, that he's screaming: "Fuck off elephants, I'm trying to play football".

Anyway, today's match was shite from a Montrose point of view and presumably great from an Arbroath point of view, as they secured the Division Three title and promotion. Montrose bright spots were few and far between, although Terry Masson's overhead kick for the consolation goal was a bit special.

Disgraceful scenes at the end as hundreds of Arbroath fans invaded the pitch, a handful of them knocking Gonzo to the ground and piling on top of him. Montrose need to make an official complaint about the incident and the fact that the police stood and watched an assault that they should have prevented taking place just feet away.

Man of the Match: Terry Masson. The goal alone made him Montrose's best player, but he generally got stuck in throughout a disappointing Montrose performance.

Season 2010/2011: Match 19: Montrose v Stranraer

2011-04-16T20:35:00.002+01:00

This was the first time I'd seen Montrose since Ray (or Raymond as the matchday programme calls him) Farningham was appointed full-time manager.

The club's form has picked up in recent weeks, and there was a nonchalent swagger about their play in the first half.

Chris Hegarty was restored to the starting line-up, which was missing Stephen McNally through suspension. The team lined up in what looked like a 4-3-3 formation, and the emphasis seemed to be very much on pinning Stranraer back and constant attack.

The first goal arrived in odd circumstances, Ross McCord turning the ball into the empty net but referee John Beaton instead awarding a penalty for a foul on Hugh Davidson. That decision could have proven to be a nightmare for Montrose, but Daryl Nicol made no mistakes from the spot.

Their lead was doubled before 20 minutes were up, Dougie Cameron the beneficiary of a stramash in the Stranraer box, the ball deflecting off him and looping over goalkeeper David Mitchell's head.

Having set themselves up with such a strong lead early on, Montrose looked like they might rack up a cricket score. Their passing was crisp and they looked confident, particularly from midfield forwards.

Armand One - who is fucking huge - is generally used by Stranraer as a battering ram. But he found himself unable to make an impact, and was hooked before half time, storming straight up the tunnel in a huff.

The second half was a different story for Montrose, and they struggled to find and maintain a rhythm. Stranraer scored nine minutes after the break with a weak goal, Montrose's defence caught napping.

The best was still to come though with Daryl Nicol's second goal. The youngster dipped his shoulder, cut inside and slammed an unstoppable shot into the top corner.

He looked likely to bag a hat-trick until Farningham made his only substitution of the match and swapped him for Sean Pierce 18 minutes from time.

Stranraer got a second goal 17 minutes from the end, and it flustered Montrose, but the home side managed to hang on to secure a good three points from one of the better teams in the division. If Stranraer had won today they'd be third in the league and very much in the promotion chase.

It's very unlikely that Montrose will finish bottom of the league this season, so there has definitely been progress since last year. Steven Tweed can take some of the credit for that, but the team looks a lot better since Ray Farningham assumed control. That suggests the problem may have been with the previous manager's personality as much as anything, so here's hoping the biggest problems are behind us.

Man of the Match: If the match had finished at half time, I'd have gone for Dougie Cameron. Today's first 45 minutes were the best I've seen from him in a Montrose shirt - he looked comfortable on the ball, passed well, crossed efficiently and generally looked dangerous. But he was very poor in the second half, snatching at tackles and picking up a needless booking.

Ross McCord had a good game, playing just behind the front two and generally involving himself in all of Montrose's attacks. His match had everything except the goal he deserved.

Ramiro Gonzalez was also a key figure, keeping Montrose ahead with a number of outstanding saves. But Gonzo can also be a bit erratic, and should have done better with both of the Stranraer goals. An outstanding celebration for the third Montrose goal though, running to the halfway line to roar his appreciation in front of the home dugout before getting a bollocking from Stuart Garden and scuttling back to where he was supposed to be.

The real man of the match though was Daryl Nicol, whose thunderbolt second goal was the icing on the cake of an outstanding performance.

Stovies

2011-04-07T12:20:00.000+01:00

Season 2010/2011: Match 18: Montrose v Elgin City

2011-04-02T17:43:00.005+01:00

The sun was shining today, and the summery weather seemed to inject Montrose with a bit of life.

This was the first time I've seen Montrose since Steven Tweed quit/flounced off in a huff.

Montrose were looking for their first win in six games, and by all accounts they've been decent but have just lacked the killer touch over the last few matches.

That was definitely obvious today, and the home side should have scored five or six today.

In the end they only got the one, but that was enough to take all three points.

It was a well-taken chance, Jonathan Crawford meeting Daryl Nicol's cross with a perfectly-placed header.

Both sides had chances, and today was the first time that I've actually believed that our Argentine mime artist Gonzo is a goalkeeper. He made some good stops and blocks, and even kicked with his right foot at least once.

In fact, Montrose generally looked quite good today. Aaron Sinclair had probably his best game of the season, playing at left back, although there were a few defensive slips from his team-mates.

Stephen McNally was his usual industrious self at right back, and the midfield was solid and fairly creative.

The front line of Nicol and Boyle was very lively throughout, and if Montrose were suffering from top goalscorer Paul Tosh's departure to Peterhead, they didn't show it.

Too many chances were passed up for this performance to be truly great, but a win is a win, and those have been few and far between at Links Park over the past two years.

Hopefully Ray Farningham will take the Montrose job permanently and will have a clear vision of how to take the side forwards.

Of the team that started today, I'd now keep Gonzalez, McNally, Davidson, Boyle and Nicol. Sinclair I would sell for the right price, even though he's a great player on his day. I'd keep most of the backline if they could eliminate the silly mistakes. But it would be end of the road for Dougie Cameron, who looks too sloppy in his passing and seems to make odd decisions too frequently.

Cameron passed up a glorious chance today, hammering a volley high and wide from six yards out when it looked easier to score.

Onwards and upwards for Montrose? Maybe. There were certainly green (or blue) shoots today anyway.

Man of the Match: This could easily have gone to one of a number of players. Gonzalez looked like a goalkeeper for the first time, and kept Montrose ahead with a lot of good saves. Hugh Davidson looked reliable in midfield, and Aaron Sinclair seems to have been rejuvenated by his move to left back. But today's key player was Daryl Nicol, who worked tirelessly (as did strike partner Martin Boyle), creating chances throughout and setting up Crawford's goal with a great run and cross.

Calling All Junior Scientists!

2011-03-15T18:05:00.001Z

Google Science Fair is now open! Ages 13-18 can compete for internships and scholarships.

Google is looking for the brightest, best young scientists from around the world to submit interesting, creative projects that are relevant to the world today.

Who can enter?

The competition is open to students aged 13 to 18 from around the world working on their own or in a team of two or three. For more details, visit the Science Fair Rules page.

How to enter

If you don't already have one, create a Google Account. You will need a Google Account to complete the sign up form.
Complete the Google Science Fair sign up form. After you submit the form, you will see an important link on the confirmation page. This link will create the Google project submission site where you will post your science fair project details. Signed up but can’t find the link? Click here to create your Google project submission site.
Plan your science project, conduct your experiment, and write up your results.
Complete all of the sections of your Google project submission site (see sample project submission site).
Create either a two-minute video or 20-slide presentation giving an overview of your project and embed it on the Summary page of your project submission. A video or presentation is required to enter.
When your project site is done, make sure to submit it via this form by 4 April 2011.

Detailed instructions and tips for building your project submission can be found in the Resources section of this website.

Please note: Entries and supporting documentation must be submitted in English. Google Translate is a free tool that may be useful for students who don't speak English as a first language.

Season 2010/2011: Match 17: Montrose v Albion Rovers

2011-03-12T19:59:00.004Z

Last week Montrose were good for 45 minutes.

Today they were atrocious for 90.

No-one enjoys sitting in a freezing cold shed and watching joiners, plumbers and assassins-for-hire playing football in a strong wind and hammering rain.

I very much doubt that the players enjoy turning up and getting paid three Haribo and a cup of warm orange juice for "playing" in those conditions.

But Jesus fuck, if you're going to charge idiots like me £10 to get in, at least make it look as though you're interested.

There were no plus points from today's performance. Not one of the players who turned out for Montrose can be happy with their contribution.

I normally reserve scant praise for the younger lads who lack the experience to know what it takes to grind out a result in those circumstances.

But every single player looked devoid of ideas. Presumably that's filtering down from the management. I don't know if Steven Tweed was telling his players to attempt to thump it long in the first half, but a surely even a schoolchild could understand that if the ball leaves the ground and is fighting against a strong headwind, you're never going to get it very far.

Montrose's back four couldn't grasp that, and it was a miracle (and the result of some extraordinarily bad finishing from Albion Rovers) that they were only a goal down at half time.

Several times this season Montrose have looked like a shambles in the first half but come good in the second. Tweed tried his usual masterplan of bringing Martin Boyle on at half time, but even his pace and enthusiasm couldn't ignite Montrose.

John "Beast" Gemmell scored after seven minutes and Scott Chaplain added a second 15 minutes from the end. Montrose never looked like scoring.

Some observations:

A) Dougie Cameron is Montrose's self-designated throw-in taker. No matter where on the left the ball goes out of play, Doooooooogie wants - no, NEEDS - to take the throw-in. The number of effective throw-ins from Mr Cameron today - 0.

B) Dougie Cameron can spin on the ball like Zidane one minute than shank a simple pass out for a throw-in 30 seconds later.

C) Dougie Cameron, like Zinedine Zidane, is bald.

D) That's where the comparison ends.

E) Playing a left-footed player on the right and right-footed player on the left doesn't work. Especially not in Division Three.

Highlight of the game for me was seeing Sandy Wood jump to catch a ball that was flying out for a throw-in. While standing in the dugout.

He nearly decapitated himself and Steven Tweed spent the next five minutes looking at his now reserve keeper with a look that said: "Now you know why I dropped you in favour of an Argentine mime artist-cum-interpretive dance master who wears white leggings, white gloves and a snood and can only kick with his left foot, even if he was previously standing on same left foot".

Says it all really when the highlight is watching a grown man bump his head.

Man of the Match: No-one deserves praise from that match. Not one of them looked like doing something worthwhile. If I was forced to pick one I'd probably go for Stephen McNally for occasionally looking like he'd played football at least once in the past.

This Didn't Happen At My School

2011-03-09T14:24:00.001Z

Season 2010/2011: Match 16: East Stirlingshire v Montrose

2011-03-06T16:40:00.002Z

On Friday night I was in Glasgow to witness Liam Gallagher's second coming as lead singer of the abysmally-named Beady Eye.

I was accompanied by a Falkirk-based friend, and before setting off to Glasgow that night we were trying to decide what to do on Saturday. I'd forgotten that the Mighty Mo were also in town to take on homeless East Stirlingshire, but when we spotted that one on the fixtures list, it seemed to be written in the stars.

So at 3pm on Saturday I found myself straddling the thin line between lager hangover and cider drunkeness as we entered Ochilview (or Lesser Firs Park as the stadium announcer would have it).

As is their style, Montrose were honking in the first half and could easily have been a few goals down, having inexplicably survived when Shire's claims for a clear penalty were waved away. They were actually only one goal down at the break, but they'd been very poor and were lucky even to have nil in their own "goals for" column.

The previous week I'd seen The Tosh go into psycho Terminator mode when Hugh Davidson accidentally got in the striker's way. This week it was Nicky Smith incurring The Tosh's rage, and the 1,000-yard stare focused on the youngster was enough to scare the fuck out of me, sitting 50 yards away in the stand.

The Tosh didn't make it for the second half, and I'm impressed that Steven Tweed had the balls to sub him. Martin Boyle came on to a standing ovation from the vocal away fans, and made an instant impact, levelling the scores inside 30 seconds.

Nicky Smith took pelters from the small group of fans sitting beside me in the stand, and when he scored what proved to be the winner, he wasted no time in turning to his critics and giving them a "who's laughing now pricks?" point.

Montrose were a different team in the second half with the introductions of Boyle and Fraser Milligan, who was a constant threat down the right. They deserved their win based on that second half performance, but if the match had ended after 45 minutes Shire would have been worthy winners.

That's the first Montrose away game I've been to since Jim Leishman got sent to the stand against Brechin City many moons ago, and it was a good laugh, especially sitting in the "away" "end".

Surely we can't finish bottom of the league now?.....

Man of the Match: A few contenders from the second half. Stephen McNally led the team well, but some of his passing was a bit awry at times. The defence was mostly solid, and had to be given Romiro Gonzalez's continuing attempts to redfine goalkeeping as a comedy dance routine. But there can only be one real winner - Martin Boyle, fleet-footed goalscorer extraordinaire.

Season 2010/2011: Match 15: Montrose v Queen's Park

2011-02-26T19:11:00.003Z

The weather was almost summery when I left the house bound for the North Sea Nou Camp at 2pm, but by kick off a chill had set in.

That change in the weather might have been an omen, as Montrose were very poor today. The first half was a fast-paced affair, and both sides created chances. But it was the Hampden men who scored, Montrose failing to heed the warning delivered a minute earlier.

Daryll Meggett had connected with Martin McBride's corner in the 34th minute, debutant Montrose goalkeeper Ramiro Gonzalez punching off the line.

But an indentical delivery found the same player a minute later and this time his header flew into the net.

Montrose had had a definite penalty turned down earlier in the half when the goalscorer had tripped Paul Tosh in the box, but otherwise Montrose had offered little.

The second half was a slower affair, and Queen's Park created the bulk of the chances. Montrose struggled to find their rhythym, and key players Aaron Sinclair and Paul Tosh were largely anonymous.

Queen's Park put the result beyond doubt in the last 10 minutes, Paul McGinn cutting into the box from the left wing and hammering a shot across Gonzalez and into the far side of the net.

It was no less than the visitors deserved.

Montrose have picked up one point from the last nine, and need to begin demonstrating the ability that the squad is undoubtedly capable of.

Man of the Match: No genuine contenders from the home side, and too many players didn't turn up today. Stephen McNally, playing in central midfield, showed occasional flashes of inspiration, but disappeared for most of the second half. I'll go with Sean Crighton, who gave a no-nonsense defensive performance despite playing at right back instead of his normal centre back.

Fox In The Box

2011-02-25T15:35:00.000Z

From ex-Celtic player Danny Fox's Wikipedia entry.

Season 2010/2011: Match 14: Montrose v Berwick Rangers

2011-02-19T18:30:00.002Z

There are some days when the build-up to a football match is less than inspiring.

It's been raining in Angus for the best part of 24 hours, and the fixtures at Forfar and Montrose were postponed as a result.

But Montrose have a green carpet instead of a pitch, and their encounter with Berwick beat the weather.

Only 301 hardy souls ventured out for the match, and the first half was nearly as dreich as the weather.

Referee Eddie Smith was at least partly responsible for that, failing to award a penalty and instead booking Conor Thomson for a dive when the young striker was clattered by Steven Notman in the 20th minute.

The second half was better entertainment, Paul Tosh putting Montrose ahead from the penalty spot after Jamie Ewart handled in the box.

Montrose's lead lasted only nine minutes, Craig O'Reilly heading the ball over Sandy Wood to level the scores.

Tosh could have snatched a winner deep into second half injury time, sliding in to connect with Thomson's pass but poking the ball wide of the post.

A decent performance from Montrose, although there were too many fouls and too many stray passes for them to look properly threatening. Ross McCord, Hugh Davidson, Paul Tosh and Conor Thomson all looked dangerous in short spells, but never all at the same time.

Man of the match: Hugh Davidson was probably the pick of the bunch for Montrose, looking calm in an occasionally heated midfield battle. He looked confident on the ball and sprayed some decent passes during the course of the afternoon.

Season 2010/2011: Match 13: Montrose v Clyde

2011-01-30T20:01:00.004Z

Back in September, Montrose trounced Clyde 8-1 at Links Park when the visitors had two men sent off.

The chances of a repeat this weekend were always very slim, but Montrose's fans were still confident of a win over Division Three's basement boys.

It all looked very unlikely in the first half when Clyde came roaring out of the traps. If they could have finished their chances, they'd easily have been three or more ahead at the break.

Ultimately though, it was only one goal that separated the two sides at half time, and that strike came three minutes into stoppage time. Montrose's marking was atrocious, and Marc McCusker had time and space to turn in the box and slam a shot beyond Sandy Wood.

Thankfully for those of us of a blue persuasion, it took only two minutes of the second half for Montrose to equalise. Ross McCord was tripped in the box and Paul Tosh made no mistakes from the spot.

Montrose were further ahead nine minutes later when McCord curled a corner to the near post and Sean Crighton (who otherwise had a match to forget) bulleted a header into the net.

The result was put beyond doubt nine minutes from time when Stephen McNally burst forward, stumbled through a challenge and slipped the ball to Boyle, who had the simple task of firing the ball into the empty net.

To fall back on a cliche, it was a game of two halves - Montrose were dire in the first and would have had no complaints had they found themselves several goals down at the break. But there was a fire about them in the second, and they looked far more confident and dangerous.

If they can play as they did in the second half more often, Montrose have the makings of a good side. But if they continue to make mistakes as they did in the first half, they'll struggle against better sides than Clyde.

Man of the Match: No real contenders from the first period, although Sandy Wood did well to keep Clyde at bay until the third minute of stoppage time. They were much better in the second, and Paul Tosh, Stephen McNally, Ross McCord and Wood again all had a great closing 45 minutes. But for his work rate and never-say-die attitude, Martin Boyle, introduced as a half time substitute, gets my nod this week.

Season 2010/2011: Match 12: Montrose v Annan Athletic

2011-01-23T19:18:00.003Z

Any football team missing its most creative midfield player and top goalscorer through illness is going to struggle.

Add in an injured centre back and a suspended right back and the team in question would normally be written off before the match has even kicked off.

Especially when that team is Montrose, a side well-versed in the art of taking mediocrity to ever more mediocre non-heights.

But inexplicably, Montrose were half decent yesterday despite missing Ross McCord, Paul Tosh, Steven Tweed and Chris Hegarty.

Neither side offered much in the way of genuine attacking threat, but both Montrose and Annan approached the match with a great degree of gusto.

Annan wanted to hammer the ball into the net from 40 yards, Bryan Gilfillan frequently testing Sandy Wood from long range. Montrose were more focused on getting the ball in front of Martin Boyle and Conor Thomson, but what the two youngsters offer in pace they perhaps lack in composure.

The match appeared to be petering out into a 0-0 draw when Kevin Neilson rose in the 92nd minute to connect with a deep cross, head the ball back across Wood and into the bottom corner.

It was harsh on Montrose, who were worth at least a point.

Annan should only have had 10 men on the park at that point, Peter Watson incredibly lucky to avoid a straight red card for shoving Hugh Davidson to the ground after a heavy challenge.

There were positives for Montrose despite the result, and last season they might have lost this match 3-0. Mid-table obscurity may be the best the side can hope for this season, but that's a significant improvement for last season's Worst Team In Scotland.

Friday Ten: My 10 Rangers Cult Heroes

2011-01-14T11:15:00.001Z

And no, cult isn't a mistype before I get any smart-ass comments.

I'm currently reading a book called Rangers Cult Heroes that mysteriously deems John Greig (European trophy-winning captain, 20 years at Rangers as a player, later manager and club director), Ally McCoist (all-time club top goalscorer. Current assistant manager and manager-elect) and Jim Baxter (widely regarded as one of the most talented players in Rangers and Scotland history) to be cult heroes.

So here's my own personal alternative list:

1: Mark Walters - When I first became properly interested in football, Walters was the Ibrox wing king. Fast and creative, he was in the first Rangers team I ever saw in the flesh.

2: Rino Gattuso - In his days before becoming a World Cup and Champions League-winning dynamo in the heart of the AC Milan midfield, Rino Gattuso was a terrier as Rangers missed out on 10-in-a-row at the final hurdle.

3: Terry Hurlock - With long greasy hair and vaseline on his eyebrows, Terry Hurlock looked more like a wrestler when he entered the field of play. Anyone described as a "Millwall hardman" is going to add substantial grit to a team. I think that to this day, Mither thinks his name was Terry Warlock.

4: Dale Gordon - Scored twice on his Rangers debut, joining the nine-in-a-row squad during its unchallenged superiority, and managed to score a fair few goals despite competing for them with Messrs McCoist and Hateley.

5: Pieter Huistra - Effectively forced out of Ibrox by the arrival of Brian Laudrup, Huistra was another foreign-born wing wizard. Five league medals, two league cup medals and a Scottish Cup medal tell their own story, but many was the hour I spent in the garden attempting to teach myself to turn with the ball like Huistra did.

6: Charlie Adam - Fat, slow, not overly disposed to defensive duties, loathe to track back. Possessor of a powerful shot and capable of scoring spectacular goals. Charlie Adam is my most recently departed cult hero thanks to the fact that he is the professional football player I am currently closest to resembling.

7: Jorg Albertz - The Hammer. Everything that made Albertz a crowd favourite at Ibrox was packed into that steamhammer left peg. I remember seeing an unfortunate East Fife defender take an Albertz free kick in the balls from 10 yards, and heard the whole ground groan on his behalf.

8: Alan McGregor - Still at Ibrox, but I think that of all the current Ibrox players, Shagger has the most unique bond. He features frequently in the tabloid gossip columns, and my favourite McGregor moment came as he took to the field at Tannadice for a match with Dundee Utd and greeted the chants of "Shagger, Shagger gies a wave" with a subtle nod of the head.

9: Nacho Novo - There's only one Nacho Novo - famously turned down the chance to sign for Celtic and became an immediate Ibrox favourite as a result. Scored a barrowload of goals in a Rangers team that was frequently uninspiring. And he sings The Bouncy in a heavy Spanish accent.

10: Maurice Johnston - My first favourite Rangers player. Probably the most controversial player in the club's history. But I didn't fully understand the religious overtones (or that his time as an ex-Celtic player counted against him). I was gutted when he was packed off to Everton to make way for the McCoist-Hateley partnership.

Season 2010/2011: Match 11: Montrose v Dunfermline Athletic

2011-01-09T18:00:00.003Z

Montrose really are one of the most perplexing sides in Scottish football.

Last week they were torn apart by Arbroath, losing five goals and two men at home in the Angus derby.

Yesterday they took the lead against full time opponents Dunfermline, failed to collapse as had been predicted and were unlucky to lose an equaliser.

It looked as though they were heading out of the Scottish Cup when Dunfermline went ahead with 10 minutes remaining, but Paul Tosh slammed home an injury time equaliser to book a replay at East End Park.

Before the match, I thought Montrose would lose at least six goals. But they played well, limiting Dunfermline to long range efforts and attempts from corners.

When they took the lead, it was well deserved, Tosh racing onto a through ball before turning the ball into the bottom corner. They then defended excellently until 17 minutes from the end, and Sandy Wood was unlucky to be beaten by Patrick Clarke's long range effort.

Montrose heads could have gone down when Andy Kirk was quickest to react when David Graham's free kick clattered off the far post to poke the ball over the line.

But Tosh sent the Montrose fans home happy, taking a touch outside the box after Stephen McNally's long throw had been cleared and thumping the ball into the roof of the net.

Steven Tweed had probably his best game in a Montrose shirt, leading the line with authority. Sandy Wood was desperately unlucky with both goals. Ross McCord was combative and creative in midfield. And Paul Tosh showed the younger and supposedly better strikers on the park how to be an effective target man, constantly creating space for himself and others around him.

If Montrose could play like that every week, they'd be romping Division Three. But they don't, and recent league performances have been barely deserving of mid-table mediocrity.

Maybe the times they are a'changing....

Man of the Match: For generally making a nuisance of himself, for running around non-stop despite his advancing years and for two great finishes to keep Montrose in the cup, it can only been Paul Tosh.

Season 2010/2011: Match 10: Montrose v Arbroath

2011-01-02T18:47:00.002Z

Some days it's great being a football fan. Days when your team wins, when the sun shines, when you can revel in the camaraderie of your fellow supporters.

And some days it's totally shite being a football fan. Days when you watch your favourite team lose 2-0 at home to their fiercest rivals, sitting alone in a pub drinking £2 pints of Coke because your mate didn't turn up. Then subjecting yourself to freezing conditions while the team you follow week in, week out lose five goals and two men in a local derby.

Aye, some days it's shite being a football fan.

The Old Firm match was crap, neither side truly looked up for it, but the Mhanky Mhob got the win thanks to a brace from greasy Greek Giorgios Samaras. Rangers had the better of the first half but were garbage in the second. Celtic are top of the league but Rangers can leapfrog them by winning their two games in hand.

After that wasted 90 minutes I headed to Links Park for Montrose v Arbroath. A lively game looked like going Montrose's way around 20 minutes in when they had a few chances in quick succession.

But Arbroath scored twice in seven minutes, Montrose had Chris Hegarty sent off and the second half saw an epic collapse. Gordon Pope joined Hegarty in the early bath for a second yellow and the nine-man hosts ended up losing 5-0.

By the end, the Montrose end of the North Sea Nou Camp was nearly empty and Arbroath's fans were bouncing around and taking the piss with gleeful abandon. The visitors were well worthy of their win, although referee Des Roache had an awful match. If Hegarty was sent off for his foul on Gibson, then it was harsh, although the defender did himself no favours by shoving the official out of the road and storming off in a huff.

Pope talked himself into the book for his first yellow card and committed a needless foul for his second.

About the only plus point was Sandy Wood saving a Swankie penalty to deny the striker a hat-trick, then recovering brilliantly to block Danny Griffin's volley from the rebound.

Dire. Absolutely dire. Lots of shouts for Montrose manager Steven Tweed to resign at the final whistle, and he may be losing the crowd irreparably.

Man of the Match: Hahahahahaha. Aye, right. Hegarty might have been worth considering if he'd stayed on the park, as his crosses were looking decent until he was sent off. He might even have made it if he'd given Paul Sheerin or referee Roache a thump on the nose on his way off. I suppose I could give it to Martin Boyle for running around a bit, or Sandy Wood for saving the penalty (that he conceded). Ach, bugger it. Hegarty it is, for emptying Gibson then having a hissy fit that threatened to spark a brawl.

The 2010 Jock Awards

2010-12-24T13:58:00.001Z

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid.....it's time for the annual trip through my brain to see what's been keeping me entertained this year.

The Stone Roses Award for Album of the Year: (Nominees: Tame Impala - Innerspeaker; Warpaint - Fool; Massive Attack - Heligoland; Arcade Fire - The Suburbs; I Am Kloot - Sky At Night)

In a world where my favourite bands are starting to pack it in for good with frightening regularity, I don't think 2010 has been a vintage year for long players. Of those that have stirred me, Warpaint's Fool is the best, a proggy, bass-driven collage of melodies from four LA rock chicks.

The Strawberry Fields Forever Award for Single of the Year: (Nominees: Plan B - She Said; Mark Ronson & The Business Int'l - Bike Song; Warpaint - Undertow; Scrooge & Marley - I Don't Want It To Be Me)

I've not been entirely blown away by the quality of singles on offer this year either. The Streets' Mike Skinner and The Music's Rob Harvey collaborating on the Christmas track I Don't Want It To Be Me comes close, as does the little hairy oik from The View singing with Mark Ronson's image restoration project on Bike Song. But the catchiest, most soulful and snappiest track of the year is undeniably Plan B's She Said, transforming the man himself from acoustic hip-hop agitator into crooning soul legend.

The Rolling Stones Award for Live Act of the Year: (Nominees: The Black Keys, Black Mountain, Eminem, Paul McCartney, Muse)

I'm going to sound like a right miserable bastard if this continues, but I've not seen a lot of great live music this year. Having seen Dylan, Young, AC/DC, Them Crooked Vultures and Take That last season, 2010 was always going to struggle to keep up. Muse and Macca tower over the others. Another year, Muse might have won. But this was the first time I'd seen a Beatle in the flesh. A slowish start, but when Macca gets into his greatest hits stride, there's not an act on Earth could come close. The setlist is here - look at the run from Band On The Run onwards. Let It Be into Live and Let Die into Hey Jude is probably as good a 15 minutes of live music as I've ever seen.

The Goodfellas Award for Movie of the Year: (Nominees: Inception, Kick Ass, Iron Man 2, The A-Team, Toy Story 3)

Quite a decent year for movies, even if not all of my nominees would necessarily trouble the Oscars judging panel. All of them would be worthy winners, and Inception's maybe slightly pretentious dream-thief plot might have been my choice on another day. But today I'm going for Kick Ass, because I love Mark Millar's work, loved the comics on which it's based and thought the movie made a remarkable job of bringing them to life.

The Knight Rider Award for TV Programme of the Year: (Nominees: The Walking Dead, Spooks, Misfits, The Event)

Another good year in TV, and my favourites all seem to have a sci-fi, action or comic books theme. Misfits is very funny and would be a worthy winner, but the adaptation of The Walking Dead is magnificent (although I'm not sure why Andrew Lincoln got the nod to play an Atlanta policeman). But the interpretation of a zombie-filled southern US is incredible.

The Marilyn Monroe Award for Babe of the Year: (Nominees: Salma Hayek, Cheryl Cole, Michelle Keegan, Holly Willoughby)

As always, Mrs Wife is the hands-down winner of this category, and is looking even more radiant in pregnancy. So the well-deserved runner-up this year is another pregnant beauty, Holly Willoughby. Why? Here's why.

The Jet Set Willy Award for Computer Game of the Year: (Nominees: The Beatles Rock Band, Football Manager 2010, Super Mario Brothers Wii, Goldeneye)

In a shock twist, I haven't actually bought the newest incarnation of Football Manager, as I'm very happily still playing FM10. I've enjoyed The Beatles Rock Band a lot, given that it blends two of my favourite things (jumping about like a prat and singing like a donkey going through a jet engine). I've enjoyed Super Mario Brothers Wii even more, but I'm going to give the award to Goldeneye, which I won't get to play until tomorrow, and only then if Santa thinks I've been good. But I've been waiting for this game for more than a decade. It can't possibly fail....

The Godfather III Award for Biggest Disappointment of the Year: (Nominees: Eminem - Recovery; Tame Impala - Innerspeaker; Beady Eye - Bring The Light)

Nothing too majorly disappointing this year. Although I nominated Tame Impala for album of the year, I also felt that it could have been so much better. The early songs I heard promised a lot, but I thought the album itself had a bit of filler on it. But that was nothing compared with the half-baked gibberish of Recovery, lauded by some as a return to form by Marshall. A couple of good tracks, but nothing more.

The Screamadelica Award for Scottish Album of the Year: (Nominees: Miyagi - Electrosaurus)

One nominee, the deserved winners being my favourite Edinburgh-based acoustic-electric-cello-sax-singing-drummer band. The only band in the country who would ever let me play guiro on stage with them.

Six-Month Countdown

2010-12-11T10:56:00.001Z

Six months today (according to the best estimates of People Who Know About These Things at the NHS), Mrs Wife and I will have our world thrown into chaos with the arrival of our first Jockling.

It's been a long time happening - we originally planned to increase the size of our family back in 2008, but thanks to wonky genes we discovered that our chances of conceiving naturally were exactly 0%.

Since then we've been through a series of tests and procedures that have variously been invasive, demoralising and depressing.

But the miracles of science have prevailed. Thanks to the wonderful people at Ninewells Hospital's Assisted Conception Unit, Jockling #1 is currently scheduled for arrival on June 11.

Medical science truly is incredible. If we'd been born 30 years earlier, we'd have had no chance of ever having a baby of our own. We might never have found out for sure that there was a problem.

Instead, we are now looking forward to welcoming a child that is half me and half Mrs Wife into the world.

Excited doesn't even begin to cover it. We're past the crucial 12 weeks period and Jockling #1 is the right size. At our 12 week scan it was jumping about like Mario on a particularly good day of coin collecting and mushroom guzzling. It was also sucking its thumb between bounces.

Mrs Wife has still to warm to my suggested name of Laudrup McCoist Hateley Durrant Gascoigne, or John Lennon if it's a boy, but I've got six months to work on that.

And have as many nights out, attend as many gigs and get as much sleep as I can.

Friday Ten: My Ten Favourite Oasis Songs

2010-12-10T14:14:00.001Z

(Or my ten favourite right this second anyway)

1: Supersonic

2: Acquiesce

3: Live Forever

4: Morning Glory

5: Champagne Supernova

6: Fuckin' In The Bushes

7: The Importance Of Being Idle

8: Talk Tonight

9: D'You Know What I Mean?

10: Whatever

Movember: Day 30: Mover and Out

2010-11-30T18:46:00.005Z

30 motastic days are now up. The picture above is the last of my moustache in all its dubious glory.

Moing, mowing....A tribute to Charlie Chaplin (a style also adopted by some other less talented fella).

...gone. The first time in 30 days my face has been clean-shaven. I feel naked without my mouzer.

Thanks to all who have donated and helped me raise almost £500 for prostate cancer research. It's not too late to donate, just follow this link.

Movember: Day 26

2010-11-26T18:05:00.003Z

And now the end is near....just four more days of moustacheness to go before I can shave it off.

Please support prostate cancer research by sponsoring my disturbing moustache here.

Season 2010/2011: Match 9: Montrose v Whitehill Welfare

2010-11-21T16:54:00.003Z

Montrose got back to winning ways yesterday with a 3-1 win over East of Scotland League side Whitehill Welfare.

The result wasn't anywhere as comfortable as the scoreline suggests, Montrose competing against 10 men from the 38th minute onwards and scoring two of their goals from the penalty spot.

It was a fast-paced game, but Montrose seemed to lack composure throughout, resorting to long punts up the pitch when their numerical advantage should have given them licence to pass the ball around and dictate the pace.

The home side were a goal down inside eight minutes, Daniele Giordano having a rush of blood to the head. The goalkeeper made a mess of a clearance, sending it straight to an unmarked midfielder on the edge of the box and watching helplessly as the ball was sent straight back over his head and into the empty net.

The goal was against the run of play, but Montrose struggled to come back from it. They evantually scored an equaliser when Tosh netted from the spot after he had been tripped in the box by Alan Cornet.

It was deja vu for Whitehill in the 38th minute when Tosh again scored from the spot, this time after Cornet had picked up his second yellow card for handball.

Playing against 10 men, Montrose should have dominated the second half, but it took them until the 75th minute to find the third goal that killed off this Scottish Cup Third Round tie, Gordon Pope volleying home from a Ross McCord corner.

All in all, it was a deserved win that was reached in a more roundabout fashion than was necessary. A couple of injury worries as well, Hugh Davidson again limping off injured in the first half and Giordano swapped for Sandy Wood 15 minutes from the end.

But we're into the Fourth round. Let's hope the draw brings Rangers to Links Park.

Man of the Match: A fast-paced match suited some of Montrose's more attack-minded players, including Aaron Sinclair, Martin Boyle (given a much-deserved starting place) and Paul Tosh. Stephen McNally was also a constant creative hub. But Ross McCord was at the heart of all of Montrose's attacking moves, and was unlucky not to score himself. The youngster is really growing in confidence and should have a good future ahead of him.

Movember: Day 20

2010-11-20T14:00:00.003Z

At Eric's request - a Movember update. Please support prostate cancer research by sponsoring my facial hair growth at the Movember website.

Genius or Madness?

2010-11-17T11:49:00.001Z

In this case - 75-year-old William Lyttle has been digging tunnels underneath his Hackney house for 40-odd years - I think the correct term is madness....

Movember: Day 11

2010-11-11T19:33:00.002Z

Day 11 - at least it looks like I'm TRYING to grow a moustache now....

....please support prostate cancer research by sponsoring my pathetic moustache at the Movember website.

Egghead

2010-11-10T08:35:00.001Z

If any of you odd denizens of the Blogosphere have nothing better to do tomorrow evening (Thursday November 11), you can see my televisual debut on BBC2 at 6pm, when the episode of Eggheads my colleagues and I filmed in January will be broadcast.

Read Or Dead Redemption

2010-11-09T14:29:00.001Z

A brief overview of what I've been reading over the past few weeks:

New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
I thought that the second instalment of the Twilight saga was better than the first, with a greater range of characters and better development of the existing cast. Two down, two to go....

The Rum Diary - Hunter S. Thompson
Autobiographical novel of a young American journalist who moves to Puerto Rico for a life of work, rum, sex and brushes with the law. An early example of the grandfather of Gonzo at his best.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson
The first novel of the Millennium trilogy. A wide-ranging novel of industrial espionage, a decades-old murder mystery case and a whole raft of misfits from the Swedish criminal classes. Almost worth the hype and enough to keep me hooked for the two sequels.

Moab Is My Washpot - Stephen Fry
Autobiography covering the first 20 years of Britain's favourite Oxbridge-educated, gay ex-convict TV presenter. Fry has no hesitation in exploring his many flaws, prime amongst them appearing to be kleptomania. An excellent read containing both humour and pathos.

Eclipse - Stephenie Meyer
The third part of the Twilight quadrilogy and my favourite so far. Much faster-paced than its two prequels, more action and less of Bella's previously incessant pining after Edward. Certain parts actually made me laugh out loud, but I'm not entirely sure they were meant to.

Hitman: My Real Life In The Cartoon World Of Professional Wrestling - Bret "The Hitman" Hart
Fantastic look at the real lives behind the curtain in the World of the WWF/WWE. It would be a cliche to say it was a "no holds barred" account of possibly the world's greatest wrestler's life, but Hart is quick to expose the faults of, amongst others, Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior. Humour, anger, despair and revenge all appear in a great read.

Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer
And we're done. A monster of a final instalment in the Twilight 'saga' brought most of the plotlines to a close, although I was a bit disappointed that it ended with a democratic stand-down rather than all-out supernatural warfare. Hopefully Meyer will leave it there....

On The Road - Jack Kerouac
I failed to see what all the fuss is about while reading the defining novel of the beat generation. To be honest, I found On The Road pretty dull, and wasn't inspired by either Sal Paradise or Dean Moriarty. A disappointment.

Equal Rites - Terry Pratchett

The third journey onto the Discworld, and much better than its predecessor The Light Fantastic. It was good to have a change of focus from Rincewind, the star of the first two books. Thoroughly enjoyable.

Movember: Day Eight

2010-11-08T19:39:00.001Z

Not quite up to Graeme Souness standards just yet....

Season 2010/2011: Match 8: Montrose v Albion Rovers

2010-11-07T16:49:00.003Z

There are some matches that defy all superlatives, about which it would be possible to wax lyrical for innumerable blog posts.

And there are others, like yesterday's Montrose vs Albion Rovers encounter, that are so forgettable that it's almost possible to actually forget you're at the football while you're watching them.

Yesterday's game was crap, and not just because Montrose slipped to their first defeat in seven games.

Albion scored twice in the first half, both times with the Montrose defence posted missing. The first was from former Montrose striker John Gemmell and the second from Robert Love.

Montrose had the best of the first half hour but couldn't put the ball into the net, then let their concentration slip in the closing 15 minutes of the first half.

They were better in a boring second half but struggled to create chances. The players can have no complaints as yet again they only looked like chasing the game after going behind.

I think I can understand Steven Tweed's rationale behind always starting Martin Boyle on the bench - the young lad has pace to burn and this becomes even more apparent when he's introduced as a second half substitute as others are flagging. But he always looks the most lively player when he comes on, and I think it's about time he was given a chance from the start against the....ahem...."less mobile" Paul Tosh.

Man of the Match: A poor collective performance and no really outstanding candidates. Ross McCord was involved in most of the things Montrose tried to do right, so I'll go with the wee ginger midfielder.

Celtic: Best Fans In The World

2010-11-07T08:19:00.002Z

There are no depths too low for "The Greatest Fans In The World".

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Movember: Day Five

2010-11-05T18:04:00.002Z

Five days without shaving my upper lip and we're beginning to see some progress.

Not progress in the "straight out of a 1970s porn movie" way, but more like a 14-year-old boy trying to get served in an off licence.

Please support my pathetic facial hair-growing efforts by sponsoring me here - all money raised goes to prostate cancer research.

The Death Of Print

2010-11-02T08:40:00.001Z

I studied journalism at university, and between shorthand classes and tutorials on how to write quality news copy, we had numerous discussions over our four-year course debating the future of print journalism.

Broadly speaking, there were two camps - those who felt that print's days were numbered, and those who felt that so long as newspapers were cheap and disposable, they would remain a relevant medium.

Generally, I'm in the second group - newsprint's disposablity is its major draw. If you accidentally leave a newspaper on a train, get it soaked in a rain shower or drop it in the bath, you might be disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. You've lost something worth between 20p and £2.

Drop your Kindle in the bath or leave it on the train and, not only are you an idiot, but you're a few hundred quid worse off.

All of which is a very long preamble to this blog piece predicting a timeline for the global death of newspapers.

Ross Dawson expects the UK to be a newspaper-free zone by 2019.

Nine more years of print journalism? I don't see it.

Particularly at a local level, newspapers provide a vital service that hasn't yet been replicated online. While the majority of the population might have internet access, online news platforms don't yet have the same penetration that newspapers do. And people remain loathe to pay for online content.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe the revolution will be over before I turn 40. The publishing company I work for now provides very few printed products, having moved largely to online delivery or electronic documents. But we're in a high-value niche market where clients are geared towards such methods.

I believe that newspapers will be around for another few decades at least.

Perhaps most importantly of all - you can't wrap your chips in an iPad and you can't dry out wet shoes with a rolled-up Kindle.

Movember: Day One

2010-11-01T18:12:00.003Z

I don't often post extreme close-up pictures of myself here, but this one has a purpose.

It proves that I'm clean shaven today for the start of Movember.

For the whole of November I'll be growing a moustache to support prostate cancer research.

Prostate cancer kills one man every hour in the UK alone. So I'd be extremely grateful if you could support my fundraising efforts by donating whatever you can at:

https://www.movember.com/uk/donate/your-details/member_id/524824/

I'll be posting regular photographic updates on here so you can keep track of my facial hair. As I've got the fresh face of a teenage boy, the results may be somewhere between comical and spectacular.

Friday Ten - The 10 Most Played Songs On My iPod

2010-10-29T00:01:00.000+01:00

1. Some Velvet Morning - Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood - 19 plays

2. Straight Outta Compton - Nina Gordon - 15 plays

3. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash - 14 plays

4. Israelites - Desmond Dekker - 13 plays

5. What Have You Gone and Done? - The Cooper Temple Clause - 12 plays

6. Here It Comes - Doves - 12 plays

7. Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley - 12 plays

8. Here Come The Girls - Ernie K. Doe - 12 plays

9. Anything Goes - AC/DC - 11 plays

10. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) - Beyonce - 11 plays

The Bible II: Messiah

2010-10-27T09:08:00.001+01:00

Seeing as how religion has popped up on this far-flung outpost of the worldwide interweb over the past few days, let's keep it going with Five Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible, courtesy of Cracked.com.

Including the fantastic comment (from more than 1,500 the last time I looked):

Old testament is the first manuscript documenting the actions of the "One God", and the accounts of those who followed and worshipped it.

New testament is what happens when a bunch of people get together and think to themselves "How can we make a sequel, and make it even more awesome and fire-and-brimstoney than the original?"

But the greatest fuck-up is when a ruling body decides to get these works of fiction all together, and join them into a single volume (written by different authors) who clearly can't agree on so very many things....

Imagine if Peter Jackson wanted to make a Lord of the Rings II, The Ring Strikes Back!!! And to do this, he got people from the internet to write parts of the script. Every person got to write ten pages, and could have no contact with the other people writing the rest of the script. The resulting mess (would probably be a box office smash...) would be the equivalent of the New Testament.

Single Issue Politics

2010-10-26T17:51:00.001+01:00

More US politics today - Jimmy McMillan of The Rent Is Too Damn High Party....

Why America Disturbs Me

2010-10-25T13:58:00.001+01:00

I've posted on several occasions in the past that my favourite place in the world is New York. Given the time and money to do so, I would happily spend years exploring the USA from coast to coast, and I sincerely hope that I get the opportunity to drive across the country before I die.

Despite this love of America, certain aspects of it really disturb me. Lead amongst these is the fact that large numbers of US citizens will decide which candidate to vote for in the next presidential election based on which candidate they think is least likely to be the Antichrist.

I may be wrong, but I'm assuming that the vast majority of these voters will be those not voting for the black Democrat with the "muslimy-sounding name".

Putting the whole world's safety in the balance based on a collection of fairy tales cobbled together over the past 2,000 years....perfectly rational....

Season 2010/2011: Match 7: Montrose v Arbroath

2010-10-23T21:10:00.003+01:00

It was deceptively sunny when I left Dungroanin' this afternoon bound for Links Park. I should have known better, as the ground is one of the coldest places on Earth.

Today's match was the second of the season against the smelly fish smokers from Arbroath, Montrose having skelped their visitors 3-0 back in August.

There was little danger of a repeat of that scoreline today, and the match was a scrappy, dirty affair. Arbroath's Josh Falkingham was booked in the first half for a wild lunge at Fraser Milligan after the returning Montrose player clashed with him near the edge of the home box.

Falkingham didn't see out the whole of the match, picking up a second yellow in the second half for attempting to win a penalty by diving in the box.

Stupidity isn't hard to find in the Arbroath ranks, and David Dimalta was also booked for diving nine minutes later.

Although Montrose didn't rattle in three goals this week, they could have scored a few if they'd kept their heads. The goal they did score was well taken, Paul Tosh flicking a Ross McCord corner down in front of goal for Aaron Sinclair to slide in and toe poke across the line.

Arbroath's equaliser came 13 minutes into the second half. Referee Bobby Madden waved play on despite Montrose's protestations that Tosh had been fouled on the edge of the Arbroath box. A long clearance found former Montrose man Steven Doris unmarked, and he lashed an unstoppable shot across new Montrose keeper Daniele Giordano and into the far corner.

It was unfortunate for Giordano, who otherwise had little to do on his debut. The young Italian is on loan from Celtic and seemed confident enough in a worryingly laid back manner.

McCord had a couple of good chances to win the match for Montrose, slamming a shot high over the crossbar when found unmarked in the box from a corner, and sending a free kick over the bar from the edge of the box in the second half.

Tosh had several chances, but none of them was as clear cut as McCord's two, the veteran striker sending several half volleys zipping past the posts, typically from tight angles.

But the best chance of the match fell to Martin Boyle. Confusion between Alan Rattray and Stuart Malcolm allowed the nippy youngster to tear through the middle and find himself one-on-one with the goalkeeper. He lacked composure though and Hill was able to make a fairly comfortable save from his low shot.

So Montrose have it all to do again at Gayfield. I don't fancy their chances much, as I suspect Arbroath may be too much for them on a cold autumn evening on the North Sea beach. We can but hope....

Man of the Match: No really outstanding candidates in Montrose colours. Sinclair reacted well to take his goal but was otherwise fairly quiet. Tosh on a better day might have scored a hat trick. Daryl Nicol gets my vote this week for a tireless performance up front against an occasionally brutal Arbroath defence.

Friday Ten - The Ten Coldest Places On Earth

2010-10-22T11:39:00.001+01:00

1. Aberdeen

2. Montrose

3. Antarctica

4. Any game of professional football anywhere in the world

5. All Scottish beaches

6. All points in Scotland more than three metres above sea level

7. Actually, just Scotland in general

8. Melbourne in winter

9. The North Pole

10. Siberia

It's Going To Be A Long Winter

2010-10-20T15:10:00.001+01:00

Snow in October....fuuuuuuuuuck it's going to be a hard end to the year if it keeps up like this.

A Post About Books

2010-10-19T12:22:00.003+01:00

As seen at Big Stupid Tommy's.

1. Favorite childhood book?
Charlie and The Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl or The Enchanted Wood by Enid Blyton. I read both of them many, many times and never tired of them.

2. What are you reading right now?
On The Road by Jack Kerouac and Marvel's Planet Hulk/World War Hulk series of comics. I'm not entirely convinced that either is as good as its supposed to be.

3. What books do you have on request at the library?
None. I've got hundreds of unread books in the house.

4. Bad book habit?
Buying books when I already have hundreds of unread books in the house.

5. What do you currently have checked out at the library?
None. Although I recently returned Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer.

6. Do you have an e-reader?
No. I don't believe in them. Books have a special quality that no electronic device can ever truly recreate.

7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time, or several at once?
Generally I have one main book on the go along with piles of magazines, comics, graphic novels and smaller 'dip in' books that I read in the smallest room in the house.

8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog?
I read more online features and articles and more blogs, but I probably read more books as well, as I now travel by train and can read a book a week if it catches my imagination.

9. Least favorite book you read this year?
Either How To Be Idle, which I thought would be funny but wasn't, or The Great Gatsby, which I expected to be entertaining but wasn't.

10. Favorite book you’ve read this year?
Possibly The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. There hasn't been much this year that I've thought "wow" - the last time that happened was with Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell.

11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone?
I try to mix it up by reading fiction then non-fiction. But even then I don't venture out of my comfort zone as often as I should.

12. What is your reading comfort zone?
Fiction - gangster stories, espionage, WWII fiction, vampire stories, Discworld.

13. Can you read on the bus?
Yep. I can read just about anywhere. Except when watching TV.

14. Favourite place to read?
In bed or on the couch when the house is quiet and the TV isn't on. I can read with music on in the background, but not the TV.

15. What is your policy on book lending?
I'll lend books to anyone I know and then worry about them until they're returned. I've got a Bill Bryson compendium loaned to someone just now and would like it back....

16. Do you ever dog-ear books?
NO! I always use bookmarks. I try my best to keep books looking like new.

17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books?
No, I'd rather write something down in a notebook than ever deface the book itself.

18. Not even with text books?
Nope. Always used to take notes on paper so that I could sell the books afterwards.

19. What is your favorite language to read in?
English. I can follow the gist of something in German with time and a dictionary and I can recognise a few words in Gaelic and Norwegian. But I can only read fluently in English.

20. What makes you love a book?
An interesting plot if it's fiction or an interesting way of presenting information if it's not.

21. What will inspire you to recommend a book?
Something that makes me laugh (Bill Bryson), something that keeps me entertained (Cloud Atlas) or something interesting (A Short History of Almost Everything).

22. Favorite genre?
Gangster stories - from The Godfather onwards.

23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?)
More non-fiction so that I could feel I wasn't just pissing my braincells away on Iron Man and Kick Ass.

24. Favorite biography?
Bret Hart's was the most recent and is high up the list. A fantastic look at the world of professional wrestling. Tony Cascarino's was very absorbing - a great goalscorer who struggled with demons that made him continually doubt himself. Albert Goldman's Elvis really helped deconstruct a legend. As did J Randy Taraborelli's biography of Michael Jackson. But at the moment it's Bret Hart's. I really enjoyed it and keep on foolishly recommending it to non-wrestling fans.

25. Have you ever read a self-help book?
No. Nor do I ever intend to.

26. Favorite cookbook?
The Cadbury's chocolate cookbook.

27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or nonfiction)?
Possibly Bret Hart's. He came back to physical and mental strength after a stroke and seems relatively normal despite the insane life he's lived. He understands that when all is said and donee, nothing's more important than your kids.

28. Favorite reading snack?
I don't really eat while reading.

29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience.
Twilight. I was hoping for a vampire story like True Blood but got a drippy teenage love story.

30. How often do you agree with critics about a book?
I don't really read book reviews so I don't know.

31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews?
I'm fine with it - if I've wasted my time with a crappy book, I don't want others to do the same.

32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose?
Japanese might be a good shout to read genuine Manga. Otherwise I suppose French.

33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read?
The Lord of The Rings. You think the story must be almost over, but it keeps going...and going...and going...

34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin?
I've got a history of the world oil industry that I keep meaning to start for the second time.

35. Favourite poet?
I don't read much poetry. I do like John Lennon's surreal stuff from In His Own Write and A Spaniard In The Works.

36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time?
None. I don't really use library much anymore.

37. How often have you returned book to the library unread?
I haven't done that in a long time. Not since school I don't think.

38. Favourite fictional character?
From literature rather than movies, it would be Forrest Gump as portrayed in Winston Groom's original novel. The book is much funnier than the film.

39. Favourite fictional villain?
The Witches from the Roald Dahl book of the same name. Wonderfully grotesque.

40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation?
Three or four novels. Nothing too big, something that looks like it will have an interesting plot.

41. The longest I’ve gone without reading.
I'm not sure. I'm always reading magazines, but I've probably gone a few months without reading novels at different times since university.

42. Name a book that you could/would not finish.
I didn't actually finish The Lord of The Rings. It just dragged on too long.

43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading?
TV. I struggle to concentrate with the idiot box on in the same room.

44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel?
Trainspotting. One of the few films that's as good as the book.

45. Most disappointing film adaptation?
Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Why ruin the best children's book of all time by making it a musical?

46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time?
About £60 in the Borders closing down sale.

47. How often do you skim a book before reading it?
I'll flick through it but I don't skim read.

48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through?
Lack of interest. The writer trying too hard. Or not trying hard enough.

49. Do you like to keep your books organized?
Yes, I think I'm borderline autistic when it comes to organising books, CDs, DVDs and so on.

50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them?
I'm also a hoarder.

51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding?
No. I've already read the Twilight books and the first of Stieg Larsson's.

52. Name a book that made you angry.
Anger isn't an emotion I often feel when reading a book. Maybe James Kelman's A Disaffection, which was very dull but I'd agreed to read it for my CSYS dissertation at high school.

53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did?
The second Twilight book. I was expecting more dull teen gushing, but it moved on a level.

54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t?
The Five People You Meet In Heaven. Good idea, poorly executed.

55. Favourite guilt-free, pleasure reading?
Comics and graphic novels. I love them but other adults tend to look down their noses.

The Apocalypse Is Coming

2010-10-18T09:45:00.001+01:00

I have one phobia - I'm shit-scared of birds.

As it's a phobia, I know it's completely irrational and that the chances of me actually being pecked to death by a pigeon are very remote - but it's a phobia that has been with me since I was a wee boy and one that I expect will be with me until I die.

Given a choice between being locked in a cage with a tiger or an ostrich, I'd definitely pick the tiger. I can imagine punching a tiger. I'd be a quivering wreck long before an ostrich was within arm's reach.

This phobia means that I find the prospect of crows that can make tools, disassemble a fire alarm and bend wire to suit their needs quite frankly terrifying.

Sunday Soul: Aretha Franklin - I Say A Little Prayer

2010-10-17T09:29:00.002+01:00

Season 2010/2011: Match 6: Montrose v Berwick Rangers

2010-10-16T21:18:00.003+01:00

Four games unbeaten? Can someone please tell me what's happened to the real Montrose FC?

Yet again today, Montrose practically failed to turn up for the first half of this match. But unlike last week, they didn't find themselves 3-0 down early in the second half.

Berwick are a good side to watch - their passing was fast and neat and with more composure in the final third they could have had a strong lead at half time.

But Montrose were only 1-0 down at half time, and that was enough to give some hope.

Berwick's goal was well deserved, Darren Gribben bursting clear of the defence, waltzing round Scott Bennett in the Montrose goal and shooting into the empty net.

When Martin Boyle was introduced as a replacement for the injured Conor Thomson five minutes before the break, it changed Montrose's game plan. Boyle has pace to burn and was a constant thorn in Berwick's side.

The second half was far more even than the first, and both sides had chances to win it. In a surprise change to the line-ups before the match kicked off, referee Paul Robertson appeared to have been replaced with a 12-year-old boy. He didn't have a good game, making erratic bookings, calling play back unnecessarily and waving play on to no advantage at others.

He missed a clear penalty when Ross McCord was felled in the box in the 68th minute, but made the right call 11 minutes later when Sinclair was pulled down by Guy Kerr. Paul Tosh made no mistakes from the penalty spot, shooting low past former Montrose keeper Mark Peat.

All in all, a draw was a fair result. Hugh Davidson made his return from injury when he was introduced as a substitute in the 54th minute, his introduction perhaps a means of preventing Chris Hegarty picking up a yellow card in a match littered with bookings. But the returning skipper didn't make it to the end of the game, appearing to knacker his previously knackered collar bone while committing a late foul. He didn't look anywhere near match sharpness while on the park and must now be a massive doubt for next week's Scottish Cup derby clash with Arbroath.

Man of the Match: Not a game littered with outstanding individual performances, but Martin Boyle was a constant threat after coming on in the 39th minute. His lightning pace makes him a tough proposition for any defender and on another day could have had a few goals.

Friday Ten - My 10 Favourite Singers

2010-10-15T14:21:00.002+01:00

1. Nina Simone

2. Bill Withers

3. Robert Plant

4. Kelly Jones

5. Paul McCartney

6. Aretha Franklin

7. Ozzy Osbourne

8. Kurt Cobain

9. John Lennon

10. Matt Bellamy

My Favourite Albums: Number 4: The Beatles - The Beatles (White Album)

2010-10-13T15:23:00.001+01:00

So we've covered my three favourite albums, and we haven't featured my favourite band yet.

I've said numerous times on this blog that The Beatles are my all-time favourite band, and have been since I was 16. They occupy an unassailable summit.

But I genuinely regard The Stone Roses, Nevermind and Radiator as better albums than any single LP released by the Fabs.

Having said that, I could almost fill my top ten with Beatles albums. If I only had my 10 favourite Beatles albums to listen to for the rest of my life, I could cope with that.

Even picking my favourite Beatles album isn't an easy task - it can often change from day to day.

For years it was Sgt Pepper. If Magical Mystery Tour was a genuine studio album rather than a movie soundtrack and a collection of singles, it would be the best album ever made. Abbey Road is a sonic delight from the start and its second side is possibly the most perfect studio creation ever.

But right now, I consider The Beatles (which I'll refer to as The White Album from now on) as the band's high water mark.

It's a Marmite album - people either love it or hate it.

Those in the latter camp frequently cite its sprawling length, its disjointed mix of styles, the ramshackle nature of some of the tracks and the inclusion of Wild Honey Pie, Don't Pass Me By, Piggies and Revolution 9 amongst its songs.

But it's the hotch-potch nature of the album that is the core of its appeal. The opening three shots are stomping barbershop-quartet rock with Macca on vocals and drums (Back In The USSR); initially downbeat psychedelia that turns into a glorious tribute to Mia Farrow's sister, again with Macca on drums (delivering a performance better than anything Ringo ever recorded) (Dear Prudence); and self-referencing humour (Glass Onion).

There are odd little snatches of other songs sitting between the album's 'real' tracks. There's John Lennon yelling "aye up" between The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill and While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles' third greatest song after Strawberry Fields Forever and A Day In The Life).

There's howling rock (Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey), bluesy stompers (Why Don't We Do It In The Road? and Yer Blues), ballads inspired by English parlour music (Martha My Dear), pro-civil rights anthems disguised as lullabies (Blackbird), cod-Reggae (Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da) and Paul McCartney shredding his throat as he invents punk rock (Helter Skelter).

It has a cover bearing only two words (the name of the otherworldly songwriting behemoths who wrote and recorded it), in direct contrast to the kaleidoscopic mash-ups of Sgt Pepper and Magical Mystery Tour. Forget the image - it's what's inside that matters.

This is an album that continues to reveal new secrets and hidden depths with every listen. It's 30 tracks long and contains some of The Beatles' finest moments (and a couple of songs that wouldn't have made it through quality control on a shorter record). 32 years after it was first released, it still sounds exciting, from the jet engines and McCartney's pounding drums as Back In The USSR kicks off to the final swoop of the strings on Good Night.

Perfect? Not even close. But for pushing boundaries, sheer inventiveness, the sense of fun it evokes despite being recorded practically as a series of solo singles by three creative geniuses (and Ringo) and for Dear Prudence, While My Guitar Gently Weeps and Sexy Sadie, it thoroughly deserves its place at number four on my list of favourite albums.

For the best way to hear the album, buy the recent remastered version, get a good CD player, a great pair of headphones, turn out the lights and open your mind....

Raindrops On Roses

2010-10-12T19:30:00.004+01:00

These are a few of my favourite things:

Walking around barefoot both indoors and outdoors.

Wearing a new pair of jeans for the first time.

Listening to someone who can really play a harmonica.

The smell of freshly tumble dried clothes.

Waking up on a sunny Saturday morning when I have no plans.

Ginger Baker's drum fills on "The White Room".

Family movies from the 1980s.

The fizz of excitement when the house lights are turned off just before a gig starts.

Scotland scoring a goal in a competitive international football match.

Blogmeet 2010

2010-10-11T07:16:00.004+01:00

It may be slightly out of focus, but this is the documentary evidence of my latest blogmeet.

On the left is Eric of Straight White Guy fame, the gifted online journalist who serves the additonal role of my blogfather.

We caught up over a pint or three a couple of weeks ago, but I've just been too damn lazy to get the photo online before now.

Pop across to Eric's site, say hello and tell him I sent you.

Best Lesbians In The World?

2010-10-10T10:13:00.002+01:00

At 10:09 this morning, someone from Germany arrived at this far-flung outpost of the worldwide interweb having searched on Google.de for:

"The name of the best lesbians in the world"

I wonder how one determines what "the best lesbians in the world" are?

And why these lesbians only have one name between them?

If anyone can shed some light on the subject, I'm all ears.

Season 2010/2011: Match 5: Montrose v Stranraer

2010-10-09T20:13:00.004+01:00

Strange things are afoot in Angus.

Montrose, habitually the lowest of the low in the unparalleled lowness that is Scottish football, have picked up seven points from their last nine, scoring 13 goals and conceding only five.

Today's match was the second part of a double-header with Stranraer, the Gable Endies having returned from darkest Wigtownshire with all three points last week courtesy of a 2-1 win. This return fixture had originally been scheduled for Boxing Day, but the clubs clearly realised that the chances of getting anyone without a serious mental defect to come to Links Park (or, even more obviously, spend ten hours on the road from Stranraer) on Boxing Day to watch joiners and plumbers not playing football were pretty slim. So instead we got a grey October day.

Montrose, as is their more usual style, were honking in the first half, and Stranraer were 2-0 up going on 10-0 up by the break. The visitors had two key men - nippy wee midfielder Scott Agnew, a product of the same Rangers youth team that produced Alan Hutton and John Fleck, and 6'4" French battering ram Armand One.

The Links Park side struggled to cope with either of them, but it was Agnew who was most lively, his passing and shooting wasted at this level of the Scottish game.

Montrose were a goal down inside eight minutes, but the strike should never have counted, One having crashed into Chris Hegarty during the build up. But it did count, and this was the first indication that referee Brian Colvin should have stayed at home.

Stranraer's second came 10 minutes before the break, Scott Bennett failing to hold a low shot that squirmed under him and wriggled across the goal line.

So, Montrose were 2-0 down at the break and their key men were struggling to have any impact. Every time Montrose were in possession, they chose to lump the ball long, where it inevitably found a Stranraer player.

Worse was to come immediately after the restart, Stranraer moving 3-0 ahead when Montrose failed to clear a free kick.

At that stage, it was apparent to me what the weak link was - Steven Tweed. The player manager was making his first appearance since July, and I don't think he had a positive effect on his team mates. I fail to see the logic in breaking up a winning side just so that an ageing centre back with a Messiah complex can stretch his weary legs.

But somehow, Montrose fought back into the match. Paul Tosh scored the first with a delightful curled finish from the edge of the box, Ross McCord blasted a second into the top corner in the 65th minute and Tosh turned creator in the 75th minute, crossing into the box for McNally to head the equaliser.

It was almost like watching a completely different team in the second half. McNally was dreadful in the first half but commanding in the second, and others including Tosh, Hegarty and Sinclair also seemed to come into the game much more after the break.

So, Montrose remain in fifth place in Division Three, six points off the top. I'd have considered any such hope to be very slim even a month ago, but suddenly there seems to be life in the players once again.

It's still early days, but it's the most optimistic I've felt about the club for a long while.

Man of the Match: There were no candidates from the first half, but a few in the second. Stephen McNally, who has been transformed from a right back to a useful central midfielder, impressed in the last quarter, as did Chris Hegarty. Paul Tosh again led the line well and always looked a threat. But I'd go for Ross McCord, the wee ginger midfielder causing problems for Stranraer every time he moved forward with the ball.

Looking at both teams, the real man of the match was Scott Agnew, who commanded the midfield throughout and could easily have had a hat-trick. Far too good to be wasted at this level.

**Edit** - I just remembered the most interesting thing about today's match - former Scotland internationals Rab Douglas and Lee Wilkie were watching the match in the stand this afternoon. Nothing better to do on a Saturday lads?!

Washed Out

2010-10-08T10:00:00.002+01:00

When I started this blog, way back in 2006, I lived in Lochgilphead in Argyll.

At the time, I joked that it rained on two days out of every three.

For the past fortnight, Mrs Wife and I have been on holiday in nearby Inveraray, the town where we married (also in 2006).

And I've realised that my "two days out of every three" joke wasn't a joke.

Barely a day has passed without us being subjected to a torrential downpour. Which has meant that we've spent the majority of our time confined to the static caravan where we're staying.

Which, in truth, hasn't been as bad as it sounds. It's been good to get away from home and work for a while, taking with us piles of books and DVDs. The weather has stayed dry long enough for us to have the occasional walk, we've visited a traditional sweetie shop (twice) and we've caught up with family and friends.

But today we head home to what I expect will be a mountain of mail. And Scotland v Czech Republic on TV (which I haven't actually told Mrs Wife about yet....)

Season 2010/2011: Match 4: Montrose v Clyde

2010-09-25T18:15:00.004+01:00

Every so often, you get a football game that defies all logic.

Montrose were the worst team in the Scottish Football League last season. Not only did they finish bottom of the bottom division, but they really were awful for most of the season.

Clyde also had a poor season and found themselves relegated from the Second Division.

In theory, a relegated team should be able to assert itself as one of the top sides in its new division the following season. But Clyde haven't been able to do that, and today's match at Links Park was between the two sides propping up all of Scotland's 'professional' teams.

Not so much clash of the titans as clash of the tits, today's match had ineptitude written all over it before kick-off.

The opening spell of the first half mostly involved Clyde attacking and Montrose defending in their usual haphazard style. Little of note happened until midway through the first half when Clyde's Graham Girvan chopped down Aaron Sinclair on the edge of the box as the young winger was bearing down on goal. The Clyde man was shown a straight red card, but Ross McCord thumped the resultant free kick against the crossbar.

Having a numerical advantage should have counted in Montrose's favour, but those of us who subject ourselves to Links Park on a frequent basis know better than to assume Montrose are capable of making the best of any given situation.

But even the pessimists amongst us were given cause to look on the bright side just two minutes after Girvan's red card when he was joined in the early bath by Ross McMillan.

In one of the strangest episodes I've ever seen in football, McMillan hacked down Paul Tosh as the striker was preparing to shoot from near the penalty spot. Referee Des Roache initially booked Tosh for diving and awarded Clyde a free kick, but after consulting with his linesman decided to rescind the yellow card, show McMillan a red and award a penalty.

Tosh slammed the ball into the bottom corner and Montrose never looked back. McCord added a second with a header 10 minutes later to given Montrose a two-goal lead at the break.

With a two-goal and two-man advantage, Montrose were clearly going to have to implode in fairly spectacular fashion to come away from the match empty-handed. For once, they didn't, and spent the second half ripping into Clyde with clearly gleeful abandon.

Conor Thomson scored a deflected third, his shot looping over John Charles Hutchison's head and over the line. Tosh finished his hat-trick with two goals in as many minutes just after the hour mark, poking home a Watson free kick and slamming a Hegarty corner into the net from inside the box.

Martin Boyle, introduced as a substitute 30 seconds earlier, raced into the box in the 70th minute and cracked a low shot into the goal, then McCord scored an audacious goal in the 72nd minute, picking up the ball on the edge of the area and sending a bullet shot across the box and into the top corner.

Clyde did score a consolation goal in the 81st minute, Neil McGowan scoring a weak header where Montrose goalkeeper Scott Bennett should have done better.

Montrose completed the rout when they scored their eighth in the 83rd minute, Watson blasting a 40-yard shot into the top corner.

So, Montrose 8 (EIGHT) Clyde 1. Montrose move off the bottom of the table and Clyde reach a new low (both on and off the park).

The early sendings off obviously changed the game immeasurably, but Montrose played well while Clyde were horrendous. Their players were guilty all too often of standing and watching as Montrose passed around them, and at least three of the goals could have been prevented by players being alert enough to close down attackers (or mark Montrose's centre forward).

Perhaps most surprisingly, Chris Hegarty didn't pick up even a booking in a match that saw two red cards and six yellows.

Man of the Match: Plenty of candidates in the Montrose ranks. Ross McCord was an attacking livewire throughout and was unlucky not to score a hat-trick. Aaron Sinclair's pace caused problems in the Clyde ranks, particularly after the red cards. Stephen McNally had a great game in central midfield. But the obvious recipient is Paul Tosh, who banged in a hat-trick with composure from the spot and two well taken striker's goals.

The Who?

2010-09-08T15:10:00.001+01:00

I know I've written (groaned) about this before, but it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I'm falling further and further out of touch with music.

Today I was filling out a survey for NME, and one of the questions was "What is your favourite band in the world today?".

I assumed that the question meant a band still plying their trade, still recording albums, still touring.

Which immediately ruled out my three favourite bands - The Beatles, The Stone Roses and Oasis.

I could have said The Rolling Stones, but they haven't exactly been prolific in releasing classic albums during my lifetime.

AC/DC might actually count, but they slipped my mind at the time.

In the end I opted for Super Furry Animals. Whose debut album was released in the mid-1990s and whose best album, Radiator, came out in 1997.

I could easily have gone for Doves or Elbow, if I'd remembered them before the Super Furries (the fact that I was listening to a SFA bootleg at the time may have had an impact on my decision.

But for a few minutes I couldn't even think of ONE band I'd regard as my current favourite.

Radiohead? Meh, patchy and a little bit too wanky to be a proper favourite.

The White Stripes? Great singles but average albums.

The Libertines? Are they properly back together again or was Reading/Leeds just a one-off?

And so many of my other favourites have gone - The Cooper Temple Clause, Supergrass, The Doors, The Smiths, The Jam, Black Sabbath.

How many acts in the average issue of NME have I even heard of, let alone do I like? A tiny portion.

Which comes as a great disappointment. I always thought that by now I'd be in a fairly high up position at NME, having made my name as one of the best music writers of my generation. I know there are hundreds or thousands of journalists who can say the same, but I genuinely thought I had a chance. My music reviews while I was at university were good enough to get me onto the shortlist for the 2001 Guardian Student Critic of the Year award.

I assumed that bigger and better things were just around the corner, and that by the time I turned 30 I'd have interviewed Oasis, spent time hanging out with The Cooper Temple Clause and would have written the definitive review of Elbow's mid-career masterpiece.

But now I have an attic full of CDs that never get played because they're on my iPod and I write about boats for a living.

Which is a slightly different path to the one I imagined I'd walk when I was 21.

Assisted

2010-09-01T18:56:00.002+01:00

Note to members of shop staff: if I approach the counter of your emporium holding items and my debit card, this should be taken as a sign that I have decided what to buy and am ready to pay.

I do not require several minutes of "jaunty" banter on the merits of my purchases, nor on the weather or the quality of music on the radio.

Just let me pay for my stuff and leave.

Thank you.

Season 2010/2011: Match 3: Montrose v Annan Athletic

2010-08-28T18:05:00.003+01:00

After last week's destruction of Arbroath, it was maybe expecting a bit much that Montrose could continue that form into a match with league leaders Annan today.

Montrose aren't a great side - we know that from last season. But they were unexpectedly brilliant last week, ripping their local rivals apart in a fantastic first half.

There were occasional glimpses of that side again, Steven Tweed having fielded an unchanged starting eleven. But there was none of the ostentatious finishing that destroyed Arbroath a week ago, none of the expolsive finishing and none of the streaking into an unassailable first half lead.

Montrose's goal came from the penalty spot after Fraser Milligan won a pretty soft penalty after a tangle with Jordon Halsman. Paul Tosh stepped up to slam the ball into the bottom corner and bag his third goal of the season.

It was from open play that Montrose were more disappointing, failing to gel the way they had so easily a week ago.

Annan should have taken all three points from a strong second half. Bryan Gilfillan scored from a David Cox corner just after the hour mark and could have added a second in identical circumstances two minutes later. In the last few seconds a Cox corner across the face of goal was begging to be tapped home, but none of the visitors from the Borders was able to add the finishing touch.

So, Montrose have four points from as many matches, which is a considerable improvement on the disaster that was 2009/2010. We're midtable(ish) and back below Arbroath, so this weekend hasn't been entirely productive. But at least we're not bottom....yet....

Man of the Match: No outstanding candidates from Montrose, again contrasting with last week. Scott Bennett had a nerve-wracking flap for all 90 minutes in goal and Milligan couldn't find space to wreak havoc like he did against Arbroath. My vote goes to Chris Hegarty, who looked the most of the Montrose players when he had the ball.

Season 2010/2011: Match 2: Montrose v Arbroath

2010-08-24T15:14:00.001+01:00

Having endured the umpteenth circle of hell that was Montrose's horrendous 2009/2010 Division Three campaign, those of us who valiantly venture to Links Park every other Saturday could be forgiven for allowing a cloud of misery to descend upon us as the team lost its first two matches of the season.

Planted firmly at the bottom of the bottom league, having spent almost the entirety of the previous season there, there was little reason to be hopeful ahead of the first league derby with Arbroath in three seasons. Their newly-relegated squad contains players of the calibre of Danny Griffin, Jim Hamilton and former Montrose skipper Keith Gibson. On paper, it was no contest.

But matches aren't played on paper - they're actually played on whatever-it-is-they-call-Astroturf-nowadays.

Greeted by a crowd of 1,012 (I still suspect some creative accounting may have been involved in that figure) that was segregated to stop the less intellectually stable amongst us from battering each other, Montrose ripped into their visitors right from the off. Fraser Milligan gave Mark McCulloch a roasting at left back, and his cross was cut out by one of Arbroath's lumpen centre backs. Aaron Sinclair whipped the corner to the back post where Alan Campbell met it and sent a bullet header across goal. Arbroath's Josh Falkingham claimed to have prevented the ball crossing the line, but if he did it was with his hand. Regardless of his protestations, the linesman awarded the goal.

Displaying a hitherto unknown confidence, Montrose continued to keep the visitors penned in, and it was from another corner that they added a second goal within 10 minutes of the first. Connor Thomson sent a short ball to Chris Hegarty, who had time and space to pick his spot before lashing an unstoppable shot into the top corner from 25 yards out. He and most of his team-mates then set off on an ill-advised celebratory run round the back of the goal net, much to the chagrin of the Arbroath fans assembled at the beach end. One fine specimen of Arbroath inbreeding jumped the wall to engage Hegarty and Co in a lively debate into the merits of their celebration, but was apprehended by Tayside's finest upon returning to his vantage point. The involvement of the boys in blue (or high-visibility yellow at least) almost threatened to start a melee, but some of the trainee brain surgeons decked out in maroon clearly thought better of spending the remainder of their day in the Montrose cells.

By half time the match was all but over, Montrose adding a third goal just after the half hour mark. Former Arbroath "star" Paul Tosh curled an outrageous shot with the outside of his boot/blootered the ball with his toe* and watched it sail into the top corner.

The second half was less one-sided, Arbroath introducing nippy wee winger David Dimilta at half time. His runs caused a few problems for the home side, but they hung on to claim their first win of the season.

Inspiring stuff, and certainly a performance to remember from a Montrose side that may now be finding its feet after a torrid couple of years. Last season Montrose could and probably would have lost even after taking a three-goal lead into the break, but that never looked likely on Saturday. Onwards and upwards.....

*Delete according to preference

Man of the Match: A few good contenders in the Montrose ranks, including the lively Aaron Sinclair and Connor Thomson. But for me it was Fraser Milligan who stood out the furthest, his constant runs causing headaches in the Arbroath defence for the full 90 minutes.

Washing Machine Seizure

2010-08-04T20:09:00.001+01:00

Washing machine vs brick.

Brick wins.

Boardwalk Empire

2010-07-29T13:41:00.001+01:00

A good reason to get Sky this autumn - it's just bought up the rights to all HBO programmes, including Martin Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire - which, without a scrap of evidence, I am willing to be will be one of the greatest TV shows of all time.

Most of my favourite shows of the past few years have originated from across the Atlantic - True Blood, Lost, 24, Fringe, Band of Brothers and The Wire amongst them. And that's discounting The Sopranos, which I own on DVD but have yet to watch.

What is it has made the past few years a golden period for US television, especially when compared to output from the UK? The only home-grown drama series that I can think of that have been up with the best of US programmes are Spooks (on its good days) and The Take. I also like the Australian drama Underbelly, recently shown on STV.

Am I missing any? And can anyone give me an answer? I suppose it comes down to budget constraints, but is there more to it than that?

Friday Ten - My Ten Favourite Movie Characters

2010-07-16T12:00:00.001+01:00

1: Darth Vader (Star Wars / The Empire Strikes Back / Return Of The Jedi / Revenge Of The Sith)

2: Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)

3: Joker (The Dark Knight)

4: Doctor Emmett Brown (Back To The Future / Back To The Future II / Back To The Future III)

5: Walter Sobchak (The Big Lebowski)

6: Doctor Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters / Ghostbusters II)

7: Doctor Henry "Indiana" Jones (Raiders Of The Lost Ark / Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom / Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade / Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull)

8: Michael Corleone (The Godfather / The Godfather: Part II / The Godfather: Part III)

9: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Full Metal Jacket)

10: Tony Montana (Scarface)

Season 2010/2011: Match 1: Montrose v Livingston

2010-07-14T12:48:00.001+01:00

Two days after the World Cup ended with Andres Iniesta's goal and tears from Casillas and Sneijder, I attended what is my first match of the 2010/2011 season.

OK, officially it was a pre-season match, but the important aspect is that this was PRE-season, not POST-season. The season may only just have finished for those Dutch and Spanish internationals, but over here in the Arctic wastelands of Northern Europe, it's once again time to launch ourselves off onto the merry-go-round (or misery-go-round) that is Scottish football.

And so last night I found myself inside the North Sea Nou Camp to watch Montrose's second pre-season match of the summer (they lost 3-1 to Raith Rovers on Saturday, when I was freezing my bollocks off at T In The Park).

The visitors were well-known to Gable Endies fans, having been crowned Division Three champions just two months ago and having ended their campaign with a comprehensive shoeing of Montrose. Montrose named a 20-man squad for yesterday's match, starting with one trialist at left wing and four more on the bench.

Livi deserved their 3-0 win, but Montrose didn't just roll over and let the visitors tickle their bellies. Chris Hegarty came close with a few long-range efforts, making former Mo keeper Tony Bullock work for his money. New signing Terry Masson looked impressive in midfield for the home side, his neat passing working well alongside the combativeness of Hugh "Scoob" Davidson and Chris "Red card magnet" Hegarty.

The trialist on the left wing, whose name I don't know, was completely useless, which no doubt means that Steven Tweed will snap him up immediately. Another one, introduced as a second half sub, looked like Kyle Lafferty and was about as useful (I don't intend that as a compliment).

Aside from Livi's three goals, the personal highlights for me were seeing Sean Crighton almost kill a flying seagull while returning the ball in the warm-up (the bird wobbled a bit before flying on) and seeing Cammy MacDonald continue his progress through the Livingston ranks - we briefly trained together for an Argyll amateur side a few years back when Cammy was just 17. I'm sure I taught him everything he needs to know to make a go of things in the professional game.

I'm sure it goes without saying that by the end of the match it was absolutely freezing. In July. Which bodes well for midweek evening kick-offs in February.

Greeting-Faced Scouse Twat

2010-07-07T08:21:00.001+01:00

Steven Gerrard has told Liverpool's website: "There is no way I want the disappointment of the Germany game to be my last."

I don't think he has anything to fear - there's no way the Germany game will be his last England-related disappointment.

The Groanin' Jock Book Club

2010-06-24T14:09:00.001+01:00

AKA what I've been reading recently.

Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

Excellent novel tying together a number of lives from Victorian times to a post-apocalytpic future. Easily the best book I read in 2009, it made me hungry to read more of Mitchell's work.

Friends Like These - Danny Wallace
Entertaining tale told in Wallace's light-hearted, chatty style. A quick read, and one never destined to sit amongst the great literay tomes of our age, but an enjoyable diversion. Wallace finds an address book from his childhood and attempts to track down everyone listed in it.

The Colour of Magic - Terry Pratchett
My first foray into the Discworld, this was the the fourth Terry Pratchett novel I read, after the Gnomes trilogy back when I was at primary school. The most obvious comparison I can think of is with The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, with the same style of off-centre humour and blend of madcap imagination. I'll be back for more.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey
One of the classics of 20th century literature. I've not yet seen the film, and I'm glad to have read the novel first. Frequently hilarious and ultimately heartbreaking, McMurphy and the Big Nurse are two of the most finely-crafted characters I can remember from my 26 years of reading.

As Easy As Pi: Stuff About Numbers That Isn't (Just) Maths - Jamie Buchan
An interesting and entertaining look at the world of numbers and the world in numbers. Explores the history of our numbering system as well as real-life examples of where arithemtic and maths play an important, if unseen, part.

'78 - How A Nation Lost The World Cup - Graham McColl
Interesting account of Scotland's ill-fated 1978 World Cup campaign. Lacked insight from some of the key figures, most notably the late Ally McLeod. It would also have been interesting to hear the views of Graeme Souness, who barely featured in the three group stage matches, and Derek Johnstone, who didn't play at all despite having enjoyed a tremendous season with Rangers in the run up to the campaign.

The Light Fantastic - Terry Pratchett
I didn't enjoy the second Discworld novel as much as the first - it didn't seem to have the same sparkle as the first. It was still a good read, but I'd have liked to have seen more character development and a different story. I still have high hopes for the series though, which I'm way behind the rest of the world in reading.

Empire - Niall Ferguson
Thorough account of the rise and fall of the British Empire. Covers Britain's rise from an "archipelago of rainy islands off the north-west coast of Europe" to ruling the world. The reasons behind the growth of the empire, the conditions that made it possible and the events that brought its demise are all explored in incredible detail. An excellent read.

The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
Recommended by a friend of Mrs Wife's, my impression of this short novel was that it wasn't as clever as it, or its author, purported to be. Diverting enough in its own way, tracking an elderly New Yorker's journey to heaven after dying in an accident, but not as good as I'd hoped.

How To Be Idle - Tom Hodgkinson
A slacker's handbook, this book acts as a guidebook on how to live a life of little exertion, outlining the perfect lazy day, how to achieve it and why a 9-to-5 life goes against human nature. Interesting in places, its dry style eventually resulted in boredom.

Garden Of Beasts - Jeffrey Deaver
Fast-paced and entertaining pre-World War Two thriller that combined espionage, an American hitman and the 1936 Berlin Olympics, as well as cameo appearances from Jesse Owen, Himmler, Goring, Goebbels and even Hitler himself. The first book I read while on holiday in Benidorm, this proved to be a highly entertaining read.

Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
Not as good as I was expecting, this was my entry point into the Twilight fever that seems to have gripped the world. I'm a sucker for a modern-day vampire story, but Twilight too often descended into rambling monologues where Bella waxed lyrical about how beautiful Edward's pale skin and copper eyes were. Decent enough, just a little drippy for my tastes.

Pig Island - Mo Hayder
Another thriller, this one was set in Mid Argyll, an area I know well having lived there for nearly three years. This gave the book a lot of local character from my point of view, but too often Hayder made factual errors that I couldn't forgive. Taking these errors out of the equation (even if it is hard to accept that she frequently misspelled Crinan and referred to Inverar(a)y as being some kind of major shopping centre), this was a good read, with some interesting twists.

The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
I'd never read any of Fitzgerald's work before, and I'm not sure I will again after reading The Great Gatsby. I'm not sure what I expected from the book, but it failed to deliver much in the way of genuine plot until near its end.

Shakespeare - Bill Bryson
Attempting to deconstruct the myth that is William Shakespeare, Bryson eschews anything that can't be proven through reliable sources. Which doesn't leave much in the way of concrete facts, but this was nonetheless a very entertaining and informative look at the world's most famous writer.

Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell
Another classic, and another that left me pondering. Perhaps because its language and messages have passed into common use (Room 101, Big Brother et al), but I was left feeling that I already knew the story of Winston's battle with the powers of Ingsoc. It remains, however, one of the high water marks in 20th Century fiction.

Hand Of God: The Life Of Diego Maradona - Jimmy Burns
The (very) unauthorised life story of the world's greatest ever footballer. This book was published almost a decade ago, and as a result doesn't cover El Diego's return from the wilderness to become manager of his beloved Argentina. A mesmerising tale of a chubby urchin blessed with incredible gifts for football and self-destruction. There are very strong parallels with the biography of Michael Jackson I read last year - the flawed genius for whom fame was both a friend and a foe.

Telling It Like It Is

2010-06-14T18:48:00.002+01:00

Click on the picture to biggify it.

Bongo Bongoland....

2010-06-11T12:13:00.001+01:00

....and the Former Soviet Republic of Bulimia.

Not the fevered imaginings of Herge in his Tin-Tin books, nor countries peopled by Enid Blyton's folk of the Faraway Tree.

Nope, these lands are mentioned in a letter published in the Daily Mail on June 9, 2010.

The Daily Mail readership - almost beyond parody.

Head In The (Oil)Sand

2010-06-10T13:30:00.001+01:00

As a market analyst working in the oil industry, I'm on BP's press releases mailing list.

This afternoon, I received the following release - note especially the headline:

BP is Not Aware of Any Reason for Share Price Movement

BP notes the fall in its share price in US trading last night. The company is not aware of any reason which justifies this share price movement.
BP continues to keep the market updated on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill through regular announcements. The response to this incident is our top priority.

BP faces this situation as a strong company. In March, we indicated that the company's cash inflows and outflows were balanced at an oil price of around $60/barrel. This was before the costs of the incident.

Under the current trading environment, we are generating significant additional cash flow. In addition, our gearing is currently below the bottom of our targeted range. Our asset base is strong and valuable, with more than 18bn barrels of proved reserves and 63bn barrels of resources as at the end of 2009. All of the above gives us significant capacity and flexibility in dealing with the cost of responding to the incident, the environmental remediation and the payment of legitimate claims.

BP will continue to keep the market fully informed of further developments in the response to the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, in compliance with its listing obligations.

Does anyone want to give them a hint as to the reasons for their "share price movement"? (That's a polite euphemism by the way - BP's share price has fallen 32 per cent in the past month).

Subtle hint to BP - if you're responsible for the worst oil spill in history, don't pretend you're "not aware" of its impact on your share price.

All Work And No Play

2010-06-08T19:38:00.004+01:00

In this month's issue of Four Four Two, I've just read the best description yet of New Labour drones/leadership contenders David and Ed Miliband:

"The frontrunners in their leadership race being a pair of brothers who make the twins in The Shining look like siblings you could enjoy a relaxed pint with".

BP's Forward Thinking

2010-05-31T12:45:00.000+01:00

This is from a 1999 BP advert....

Mince

2010-05-28T08:47:00.002+01:00

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

It Was 30 Years Ago Today (Volume II)

2010-05-23T09:37:00.002+01:00

Happy Birthday to Mrs Wife, who's now as old as her husband.

City For Sale

2010-05-20T14:22:00.001+01:00

The long-running battle over Aberdeen's proposed City Square development took another turn yesterday, with the city council voting in favour of allowing the plans to progress.

Those opposed to the development haven't taken it well, claiming that the process was undemocratic - despite the fact that the democratically-elected councillors voted on the proposal. Their claim is that the results of a public consultation - where a majority of a tiny proportion of the city's residents voted against the plans - were ignored.

As a result, one disenfranchised member of the electorate (who was probably also opposed to the Union Square development and will not doubt be campaigning vehemently against Donald Trump's golf course plans) has listed the city for sale on Ebay.

If you can't beat them, greet about it until the cows come home.

What's New?

2010-05-13T18:51:00.003+01:00

Once again, I'm concerned at my recent music buying, and I'm becoming increasingly aware that I'm buying less and less new music.

The last ten albums I bought were:

The Black Keys - Attack & Release
Fleetwood Mac - Then Play On
Ultrasound - Everything Picture
The Highwaymen - The Highwayman Collection
John Mayall & The Blues Breakers - Blues Breakers With Eric Clapton
The Who - Who Are You
The Who - The Who By Numbers
Fairport Convention - Unhalfbricking
Gram Parsons - GP/Grievous Angel
Lee "Scratch" Perry - Soul Fire

Not one of them released this year. Only The Black Keys album was even released this century.

Am I losing my touch or spreading my roots further into classic blues, country, folk and reggae?

Meet The New Boss

2010-05-12T11:27:00.001+01:00

It was impossible to escape the post-election coverage last night, much to Mrs Wife's disdain, she being of the opinion that Eastenders and Heston Blumenthal's Mental Kitchen (or whatever it's called) are of far more importance than who'll be running the country over the next five years.

I thought Gordon Brown's resignation speech was extremely dignified given the circumstances, and that David Cameron's address from the steps of 10 Downing Street smacked of schadenfreude.

Looking ahead, I can't help but think that the Liberal Democrats have cut their own throats. By sliding into bed with the Tories, they've made a mockery of their supposed LIBERAL tendencies (the clue's in the title Mr Clegg), and if they think they stand a real chance of altering Tory policy, I fear that they may be sorely mistaken.

Maybe I'll be proved wrong, and the first coalition government this country has seen in 70 years will herald a new age in politics.

But the overwhelming feeling is that something, somewhere, went wrong.

The next year is going to be interesting though, and this is only the second change of government of my lifetime. Worryingly, there's a certain sense of deja vu as "Dave" saunters into Number 10, six months younger than when the man I despise more than any other on the planet did the same thing in 1997.

Hopefully we won't have to endure 10 years of his Return To Blair routine though.

(As a final aside, am I the only person who thinks that Samantha Cameron is more attractive than a Prime Minister's wife ought to be? Fair enough, Sarah Brown and Cherie Blair aren't much competition, but still....)

Dark Humour

2010-05-11T18:29:00.004+01:00

I received an email today that purported to be a true story from Campbeltown.

Apparently, a business in the town has the following poster in its window:

"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier".

While on the face of things that would appear to be a fairly antagonistic message to display in the window of a British business, the email claims that the business in question is....

....a funeral parlour.

So, Argyll residents, is that a true story?